A NEW PLAY BY WAYNE S. TURNEY BASED LOOSELY ON MONSIEUR CHASSE BY GEORGES FEYDEAU

Sample dialogue. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED,
FOR PERFORMANCE RIGHTS, CONTACT MR. TURNEY

Dramatis Personae

Duchotel...............................................a seemingly avid hunter

Moricet,............................................................a bachelor

Cassagne,...........................................Duchotel's allergic friend

Gontran,.....................Duchotel's nephew, and. a hunter in his own right

Bridois,...............................................the police commissioner

Alphonse,........................................................1st Policeman

Gaston...........................................................2nd Policeman

Comendador Alejandro
Ignacio Milesando
don Pedro Mocedades del Cajon,............................an Iberian firebrand

Milord Runebif,..............................................a bovine hedonist

Leontine,.........................................Duchotel's chaste young wife

Mme Latour,.the concierge of Moricet's bachelor apartment, a woman with a past

Babette,................................................................a maid

Milady Runebif,.............................................a bovine hedoniste

Mlle Mignon,....................................................a tasty morsel

SETTING

Fall, 1892, Paris; a drawing room at Duchotel's home in town and Moricet's bachelor apartment building and environs...

ACT ONE

From the darkness before the rise is heard a puzzling set of rattles, thumps, grunts, giggles and sharp raps interrupted by:

MORICET

Damn! There is the distinct sound of noisy kissing and light female laughter.

LEONTINE

Not so hard!

MORICET

Sorry, my dear.

LEONTINE

Don't get so carried away. Be gentle! It works much better that way.

MORICET

I'll try, my beloved.

LEONTINE

You don't want it to go off in your hand, do you?

MORICET

(Pleading) Leontine!

LEONTINE

NO! Moricet grumbles and the sequence of rattles, etc. begins again as the lights come up to reveal a pleasant drawing room in the town home of M. Duchotel in Paris around 1892. Moricet and Leontine busily loading bullets. At last Moricet, wielding a clumsy square wooden hammer, accidentally smashes his own finger:

MORICET

Damn! He plunges his finger into his mouth and kisses it noisily. Leontine laughs lightly.

LEONTINE

Poor baby. I told you, "not so hard." Moricet offers his throbbing finger to Leontine who starts to kiss it, but thinks better, and instead puts lead in the top of a cartridge and hands it to him.

MORICET

Leontine! I beg you.

LEONTINE

No. No. And NO! Now get busy. My husband needs a great many bullets. Moricet glares at her, but resumes his bullet filling.

MORICET

We certainly don't want him to run out and come home early! He has the same finger accident.

LEONTINE

Laughing. Don't whack at it like that. You must learn to be more gentle.

MORICET

Teach me, Leontine. I am ready to learn.

LEONTINE

Very well. Like this. First you insert ... this and then... Voila! She shows him how to properly finish off a bullet with three elegant little taps.

MORICET

If I show you how gentle I can be, my dove, will you then...

LEONTINE

Cutting him off. Oh! No. No. And NO! She puts another slug into another cartridge and shoves it at him. Take care or my husband will use this on you.

MORICET

You are maddening! The first token of love I ask you to give me...

LEONTINE

The first! That's usually the last!

MORICET

Oh, what does it matter what order things happen in as long as they happen? Am I asking so much, after all? What could be more natural? Your husband goes off hunting. I am his friend and so, naturally, I ask you to devote your evening to me.

LEONTINE

My evening?! You mean all night and tomorrow morning, too!

MORICET

Well, tomorrow morning early. I have to be at work at eight.

LEONTINE

So early? That's natural for a man.

MORICET

Leontine, You have no faith in me.

LEONTINE

You're a great one to talk about being faithful!

MORICET

You are missing a subtle but important distinction. But you know what I mean...