Act I, Scene i
[Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine]

MADAME PERNELLE:
Come! Come, Flipotte! It's time that you and I were gone!

[After a pause that brings MADAME PERNELLE to a stop]

ELMIRE::
But Mother-in-law, must you go so soon?

MADAME PERNELLE:
Don't fawn,
My dear! For I see through such hollow courtesy!

ELMIRE:
Hollow, madame? No! I hope that all may see
These courtesies are all-I mean, no more
Than you deserve.

[She curtsies with her fingers crossed behind her back]

Allow me to show you to the door.
Later. [Attempting a recovery] Why are you in such a hurry to go?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I can't stand the chaos here, if you want to know.
No one here will take the trouble to try to please me.
That I leave this house this way, alas, aggrieves me.
I'd be better off depending on the kindness
Of strangers than to ask for help from you mindless
Brutes! I'm given no respect! And when I tell you
What to do, the opposite is what you always do!
Why, everybody here has got a say as if
They mattered! Egad! It's perfect pandemonium!

DORINE:
If…

MADAME PERNELLE:
You, girl, a servant, are not only too audacious, but
Impertinent, rude, indecorous, and loquacious!

DAMIS:
But!

MADAME PERNELLE:
And you, boy are a fool! I truly can't see how
You are my grandson! I've said before, and I'll say now
What I've told my son, your father, a hundred times:
That you will have a future filled with petty crimes,
And give your father naught but torment and plague.

MARIANNE:
I think…

MADAME PERNELLE:
The little sister thinks she thinks!--all pretty and pink-
The very picture of innocence and naïve charm!
But you don't fool me: I view your actions with alarm,
For as the saying goes, "Still waters run deep."

ELMIRE:
But, mother--…

MADAME PERNELLE:
Daughter-in-law, I must say, one way and another,
Your behavior is the worst example any
Child could have. Their dear, dead mother did so many
Things far better than you. You spend too much
And it offends me to see you strut around in such
Extravagant dresses. If you truly want to please
Only your husband, you have no need for all these
Costly fineries.

CLEANTE:
Madam, if you would permit me…

MADAME PERNELLE:
Since you are her brother, sir I respect you, but, trust me,
If I were my son, her husband, I would have to say
That it would make me happy if you would go away!
You preach a way of life that decent people ought
To shun! If that sounds cruel and blunt, there's naught
That I can do: it's just my way. I can't mince words
When virtue's at stake.

DAMIS:
Oh yes, Monsieur Tartuffe, I've heard's…

MADAME PERNELLE:
He is a holy man who should be listened to
I won't have him be attacked by idiots like you!

DAMIS:
Mon Dieu! Am I supposed to let this grinning fraud
Play the tyrant in my father's house? No! By God!
Are we to abdicate all laughter, all merriment
While we wait for that boorish sycophant's consent?

DORINE:
According to him, everything we do is a crime.
He sees the way to heaven as an uphill climb!

MADAME PERNELLE:
He seeks to show us all that steep and thorny path;
Oh yes, and every crime he sees deserves his wrath!
My son should catechize you all to love Tartuffe
As he does!

DAMIS:
No, madame, it would take the strongest proof
To make me change my mind about that man. He must
Have more than just my father's word to earn my trust!
If that sounds blunt, it's just my way. I cannot lie.
If he were here, I'd be glad to punch him in the eye!
Tartuffe makes me so mad! I'm nearly blind with rage.
But I foresee a time when he and I'll engage
In open warfare.

DORINE:
It is a scandal--a real disgrace--
To see this greedy charlatan usurp the place
Of honor in this house. Gad! When he came, he had
Neither shoes nor money. To say his clothes were bad
Would be dishonest flattery. And now this beggar acts
As though he were the king! Those are the unvarnished facts.

MADAME PERNELLE:
I know this: You all would be better off if he
Were in charge and you were governed by his piety.

DORINE:
I do believe you truly think the man's a saint.
But I say he is just a hypocrite!

[There is a stunned moment of silence. At last Madame Pernelle plays her trump:]

MADAME PERNELLE:
Flipotte! I faint!
You hear her vicious tongue!

[There is a flurry of activity to prevent the toppling of the tower]

DORINE:
I still don't trust the man.
In all good conscience I don't see any way I can.
His man Laurent is just as bad and maybe worse.
When he's around, you'd better keep an eye on your purse.

[Everyone grumbles in agreement]

MADAME PERNELLE:
While I cannot vouch for any servant's morality-
I guarantee Tartuffe's theologicality. [a general groan]
I'm well aware that every one of you uncouth
Ones despise this man who tells you all the truth.
But only one thing moves this good and holy man's ire:
Sin! And the only things to which he does aspire
Are Heaven's riches.

DORINE:
That may be, but can you tell
Me what harm there is in answ'ring the doorbell?
Anybody who comes to pay a social call
Is greeted not with welcome. No, Tartuffe has the gall
To send our guests away. And if you want to know
What I think: that man is jealous of my mistress.

MADAME PERNELLE:
No!
Be careful what you say, my girl. He's not alone,
You know. It's clear that most of your neighbors don't condone
The constant parade of carriages coming to your door
Delivering crowds of callers day and night. What's more,
Their noisy servants loll about, gabbling like geese,
Disturbing the peace. Respectable households should surcease
From such dubious entertaining. Innocent or not,
Why take the risk of making decent people talk?

CLEANTE:
What!?
Madame, do you truly think that gossips can stop?
Should we play the milksop in fear of every fop
Whose tongue will wag? Gossips seem to have a need
To whisper the worst they hear from ear to ear. Indeed,
You couldn't devise a defense against them if you tried.
To me, it's best to let your conscience be your guide,
And just ignore what gossipmongers have to say.
For sure as hounds will bay at the moon, asses will bray!

DORINE:
Madame, I think I know which neighbors you're talking about:
Daphne and her chubby little husband, I've no doubt.
Those two, who have the most to hide, are quickest to find
Fault. Yes, they're the ones who always get behind
The latest rumor which they delight to repeat and twist
Into scandalous shapes. An innocent look between friends is grist
For their fanciful mill. They think they can thereby justify
Their own behavior. Or at very least imply
That they are not the greatest sinners on the street.

MADAME PERNELLE:
You may have reason to criticize Daphne. However, sweet
Orante is above reproach. She's constantly at prayer!
And I am told by very reliable sources that they're
More than confident she condemns the life you lead.

DORINE:
No doubt, they're right, for "sweet Orante" could have no need
Of social intercourse. But. Piety's not the reason.
Years have given her purity. Now that she's past her season,
She wants to share the fruit of her wisdom. But no longer a plum
For the plucking, she's become an old prune who's glum
Because she sees her beauty wilting; but when she had,
Many years ago, Gentleman Callers by the score, Egad,
She never missed a chance to dance the night away.
When the beaux were plentiful, she knew well how to be gay!
Now she's only too happy to leave a world that's leaving
Her behind. In fact, it's just her way of deceiving
The world. When for all her winks and coy attitude
She finds herself alone, it's then she plays the prude,
Since that's the only role left to her. It's her calling-
No, her vocation, to point out everybody's "appalling"
Flaws and vices. But the main reason she's so zealous
Isn't that she's pious. No, she's plainly jealous
Of any living soul who still knows how to laugh.

MADAME PERNELLE:
(To Elmire) You think that's funny, don't you? You love to hear this calf
Bleating out her nonsense day and night. If you could
Have your way, I would be quiet and not defend this good
And pious man. But I intend to have my say!
The wisest thing my son has ever done, forsooth,
Was to take that godly man, Tartuffe, under his roof!
Indeed, it's clear to me that he was heaven-sent
To show you all the ways of Truth and make you repent.
Listen to him and learn the way to your salvation.
He damns only those things that lead to our damnation.
He knows them well and if you're smart, you'll heed his sage
Advice. These balls and parties and visits that are all the rage
Are nothing but paving stones on the pathway to perdition!
Those occasions rarely show a trace of erudition.
Lying and noise; vicious gossip; chatt'ring like gibbons.
The object seems to be to cut your neighbor to ribbons
With blades of slander. It makes a sober person's head
Spin round and round. But as a wise preacher said
Last Sunday, "these fetes are like the Tower of Babylon,
Because," how very droll! "all the people babble on!"
(This elicits no response)
And then to illustrate his point (Suddenly to Cleante) I saw those smirks!
What is the matter? Do you have a nervous tic? Your quirks
Do not amuse me. Go to your silly, trivial friends
And laugh to your heart's content. Here my visit ends.
(She starts out, and as no one moves, she must turn for a final dig or two.)
Farewell, Elmire. You needn't show me to the door.
I don't know when I shall darken it again. Though there is more
That I could say about your household, it won't be soon.
I'll have a little talk with my son this afternoon.
(Turning on the hapless Flipotte)
Come on you lazy slattern. Stop yawning in my face!
I wager if I box your ears, you'll know your place!
March, you slut! March!

Act I, Scene ii
[CLEANTE, DORINE]

CLEANTE:
I'm going to take her at her word,
And let her see herself out, lest something occur
To set her off again. That's quite an old lady!

DORINE:
Don't you mean "biddy?" It's really a pity she missed that "old lady."
Can't you see her stamping her foot and shaking her fist--
But then again, to save her face, she might insist
That you were joking. She'd flirt and say, "You naughty boy!
You know that I'm too young for such a label!"

CLEANTE:
Oh, joy!
There's not a quicker temper anywhere in France!
And her dear Tartuffe has put her in some sort of a trance!

DORINE:
She may be entranced, but her son is even worse!
One look at him and you would swear he's under a curse.
Or crazy. Not so long ago he served our king
With courage and distinction. But now he walks around
In a daze like a drunken man. It started when he found
The great Tartuffe. Since that day, he calls him "brother."
I swear he loves him more than any other--even his mother!
Tartuffe is now his confidante; Orgon confides
His deepest secrets to that man and never hides
A thing. Orgon follows his advice in every
Spiritual matter. And though Tartuffe's merely clever, he
Makes the master think that every word he'll tell us
Is Gospel Truth. It would make a mistress jealous
To see him lavish such attention on that swine.
Tartuffe must have the seat of honor when they dine,
And Orgon orders everything the cook must fix
And is delighted when he sees him eat enough for six!
He takes pains that only the finest morsels are served
To him. And when the monster belches he's not unnerved;
Oh no! He smiles benignly and says, "Well, bless you heart!"
I wonder what he'd say if he could hear him part
From his feedbag. I dare say he would see the real Tartuffe.
But for now he can think of nothing but his behoof.
He dotes on his goodness and quotes his every word.
And every word, it seems, is prophecy! It's absurd!
Tartuffe, of course, is well aware he has a gull;
And knows just how to keep poor Orgon's senses dull.
He has a hundred masks of virtue to hide behind.
And even when he asks for money Orgon's blind
To his little game and showers him with gold. But worst!
He's allowed to pry into all our affairs! And cursed
Laurent, his arrogant lackey, has the nerve to roll
His eyes at us at though we were his pupils and extol
Us with his noisy sermons. He even takes away
Our ribbons and colognes; and just the other day
He ripped a pretty handkerchief to shreds because
He found it pressed in a book of saints. He said the laws
Of God in such a case are very clear to him.
It is a grievous sin to mingle holy writ
With unholy vanities that belong in the fiery pit!

Act I Scene, iii
[ELMIRE, CLEANTE, DAMIS, DORINE]

ELMIRE:
Brother, you're so lucky you didn't come to the door.
We were given an encore of her final speech and more
I saw my husband coming, but I can't face him now.
I'll go and freshen up. And so, if you'll allow
Me…

CLEANTE:
Of course, dear sister, get some rest. I must hurry
Off, but first, I'll stay and greet Orgon. Don't worry.

DAMIS:
Before you go, if you don't mind, would you be so kind
To find if Father's inclined to allow Valere to bind
My sister to him in wedded bliss? Need I remind
You I have pined that Valere's sister might be consigned
To be my wife. I fear Tartuffe has Father's ear
And if that's so, it's clear he's going to interfere
With all my future happiness. If he does, I swear
I'll take my knife and…

DORINE:
Do calm down. The master's there.

Act I, Scene iv
[ORGON, CLEANTE, DORINE]

ORGON:
Ah, good morning, brother.

CLEANTE:
Orgon, I'm glad to see
You're back. I trust that all went well out in the country.

ORGON:
Dorine…Excuse me, brother-in-law, if you don't mind
I'd like to check on the household before we talk. I find
It eases my mind. Dorine, What's happened the past two days?
Is everyone well?

DORINE:
Your wife was struck with a malaise:
A high fever and a nasty headache kept her in bed.

ORGON:
Yes. And Tartuffe?

DORINE:
Tartuffe? He's fine. He's been well fed.
He's fat, and pink, and fair and happy.

ORGON:
Poor fellow.

DORINE:
Madame lost her appetite; her skin turned yellow.
She couldn't eat a bite at supper. Her head she said,
Tortured her so that she was driven to her bed.

ORGON:
Yes. And Tartuffe?

DORINE:
He gorged himself on a leg of lamb
And a brace of pheasants and started on a slab of ham.

ORGON:
Poor Fellow.

DORINE:
Well. The mistress' fever racked her whole
Body, and her headache was so intense, poor soul,
She didn't sleep a wink all night, but tossed and turned
While we kept vigil, and all the while her fever burned.

ORGON:
Yes. And Tartuffe?

DORINE:
Why, having eaten, he arose
And trundled gently to his room and took his repose
In a nice warm bed where he slept until the following morning.

ORGON:
Poor Fellow.

DORINE:
Well. Half the household was in mourning
Before we convinced her we should call her physician.
He came and bled her and we saw her condition
Improve.

ORGON:
Yes. And Tartuffe?

DORINE.
Well. He did what he could
To keep his spirits up: he sat down to a good
Breakfast. And to replace the blood our mistress had lost,
He washed it down with four huge draughts of wine. "The cost,"
He said, "Is no object."

ORGON:
Poor fellow.

DORINE:
Well. And so,
You can see that both are doing well. I'll go
And tell Madame the tender way that you expressed
Your sympathy at her distress. Sir, you're the best.

Act I, Scene V
[CLEANTE, ORGON]

CLEANTE:
That girl was laughing in your face. Did you see that smirk?
No offense, sir, but she was right. Is it just a quirk
Or are you really infatuated with this man?
Are you blind? Or is it possible that his hypnosis can
So thoroughly take you in and make you forget the rest
Of the world? You give him food and shelter and the best
Of everything. And now you want to…

ORGON:
Stop right there.
You do not know the man of whom you speak. Beware.

CLEANTE:
Very well, if that's what you want to believe, I don't
"Know him." But when I see the things he does, I won't…

ORGON:
But, dear brother, when you get the chance to know
Tartuffe as I do, and you see his inner glow,
You'll take him to your heart as I have done. Here is
A man. A man who… is a man. Follow his theories
Nay, his precepts, and you will find yourself among
The saints and see that the world is just a heap of dung. (an image that gives him particular delight)
Under his tutelage, I have been reborn indeed!
It's true! My soul's been freed from every earthly need
And human tie. My mother, children, brother and wife
Could die before my eyes and I'd be free from strife.

CLEANTE:
I must say, brother, your sentiments are most humane.

ORGON:
When I first met him he was on another plane
From other men. If you had met him on that day,
I know you'd say you'd want to follow him "in the way."
He came to church each day to pray as meek as a lamb.
He went down on his knees and worshipped the great I Am
In such a way that all the congregation stopped and stared.
He sighed so deeply and cried so freely! And bared
His soul and kissed the ground. And when I rose to leave
He rushed before to the chapel door so he could cleave
Me to his bosom and sprinkle me with holy water.
Then he returned so he could pray another Pater
Noster. His servant, who is no less devout than he,
Followed me out so he could share the truth with me
About his master's poverty. I was so moved,
I gave him alms. But Tartuffe said even though it behooved
Me to practice charity, that I was far too generous.
He'd give some money back and say it was onerous
To take twice what he deserved. "Give me only half!"
He'd say. But when I'd refuse to take it back, he'd laugh
And as I'd watch, he'd give it to the poor. At length,
Heaven prompted me to take him home, and what strength
It's given me. He watches every part of my life.
He's even taken special interest in my wife!
To protect my honor he informs me of the names of men
Who ogle her. At times, indeed, it seems he's ten
Times more jealous of her than I! But he reserves
The strictest standards for himself. Though he deserves
Nothing but praise, he is quick to call himself a sinner.
For the slightest transgression. And he refuses dinner
'Til he's given absolution. Once I heard him confess
A trifle that nonetheless gave him a world of distress.
It seems that while he was praying that day he caught a flea
And killed the creature, so he felt, too angrily.

CLEANTE: (Laughing, though Orgon does not join in the mirth)
Egad, I thought for a moment there, you must be mad!
What a wonderful joke! It really is too bad
Of you to deceive me like that. You surely don't believe…

ORGON:
Brother, you sound like a non-believer! You can't conceive
Such piety can exist. And so your eternal soul--
As I've told you before- one day will pay the awful toll
For your atheism.

CLEANTE:
You disappoint me: I recognize
An old refrain. Men like you always criticize
Men like me who see things differently than you.
Men who are blind want the rest of the world to be blind too.
If you have eyes to see, you must be an atheist.
If you see through false piety, they say you've missed
The mark. Not to mention Matthew, and Luke and John.
I'm undaunted by such talk for Heaven knows what's on
My heart. So pious charlatans cannot cloud my eyes.
A humble man as brave as you has surely seen
A braggart warrior strut and preen but turn quite green
At the first sight of danger. The truly brave don't need
To boast. Their deeds speak for themselves. Where such men lead
Lesser men, inspired by their example, follow!
Likewise, pious seeming men, whose faith is hollow,
Make a brave show of their devotions, and always start
To pray with their lips when someone's watching, but their heart
Is far from holy. The truly pious man is loath
To call attention to himself. He need not clothe
His pure intentions with noisy, and pretentious prayers,
He has nothing shameful to hide from God or the stares
Of men. He'll never hide his face behind a mask --
A pseudo-tragic mask --of piety. Now, let me ask
If you think coin of the realm's no better than counterfeit?
Or is an honest man no better than a hypocrite?
It seems to me, God's oddest piece of work is Man.
Even though he has the gift of Reason, Man can
Always find a way to overstep the modesties
Of Nature and seem to take delight in making travesties
Of anything good and noble. Or so it seems to me.

ORGON:
I see you see yourself as something of a sage!
You alone, it seems, possess the wisdom of the age.
You're Laocoon and Cato; Solon and more!
Why, when you die, wisdom itself will be no more.
And at the last trump, you shall have the final say.

CLEANTE:
I'm no sage; but I know clearly on the Last Day,
Wisdom shall not be killed, but, in fact, shall be fulfilled;
I really know but one thing and on that I build
My argument: True and False are simply not the same.
I also know: no hero is worthy of greater fame,
Nor no man so noble as a truly religious man.
By the same token, I find no one more hateful than
The man who makes a pious show in the marketplace
And for a pretense makes long prayers, contorting his face
With a superior air, distorting what men hold dear
And holy for their own unholy gain. It's clear
Such greedy men as these would have no compunction to sell
The mother church's holy grace and unction as well
If it would profit them. They say their daily office
If they are watched, with the fervent zeal of a novice.
When they anoint the sick with oil you get the feeling
They want you to think that they are doing the healing.
They shout their alleluias, and roll their eyes and wave
Their arms and weep and gnash their teeth and make a brave
Show of advocating the life of a monk. And yet
They remain at court where it's easier to get
Whatever worldly advancement they can. They know how to mix
Fervor with vice, and rapture with sin. They know how to fix
The blame on everyone but themselves. And when they ask
Forgiveness, their tears could fill a flask or an oversized cask!
And if they choose to destroy a man, they make their spite
Seem like Heaven's will. They always call the might
Of God down on their enemies. Their cause is Heaven's cause.
While we could applaud their zeal, their methods give us pause.
Instead of words of comfort, they attack with cavils;
Where they should be gentle, they behave like devils!
And these ungodly men are far too numerous.
If it weren't so sad it would be humorous.
But happily, we have no lack of truly godly
Men. Yet even though such men are many, oddly
They are harder to find. Hear me out I implore
You, sir. Harder to find, and yet they are before
Our very eyes today and every day. What's more
I can give you names: Ariston, Periandre,
Oronte, Alcidamas, Polydore, Clitandre.
Their minds are pure and clear; their manners are refined.
Their undoubted faith is moderate and kind.
These truly pious men know that their prayers are meant
For God alone and not for the ears of men. They're content
That God should hear their quiet pleas. They know that noise
And tawdry histrionics are no match for the poise
That true faith brings and to which we should all aspire.
Such men know what God requires. We can all admire
Their good example of how a Christian should behave.
They judge not lest they should be judged and save
Their censure for the sin and not the sinner. They crave
The good and godly life and nothing more. I praise
Such men and with God's help I'll imitate their ways
To the end of my days. Your man Tartuffe, the truth be told
Is clearly cut from a different mold, and you've been sold
A bill of inferior goods. I say "Caveat Emptor."
This man you adore may be nothing more than a tempter.

ORGON;
You've paused, I see. Do you need a breath or are you done?

CLEANTE:
What more can I say?

ORGON:
Your humble servant, sir.

CLEANTE:
There's one
Other matter before you go. You know you gave
Your grave and solemn word that Valere, that brave
And honest lad, should have daughter's hand.

ORGON:
I did.

CLEANTE:
I understand you even set the date?

ORGON:
I did.

CLEANTE:
Then why postpone the celebration?

ORGON:
I can't say.

CLEANTE:
Do you have something else I mind?
It well may be

CLEANTE:
Do you mean to say you mean to break your word?

ORGON:
We'll see.

CLEANTE:
Has something happened to justify your change of heart?

ORGON:
Perhaps.

CLEANTE:
Don't hedge, sir. Valere asked me to take his part
And sound you out about this pledge.

ORGON:
By all means seize
The moment.

CLEANTE:
What shall I tell Valere?

ORGON:
Whatever you please.

CLEANTE:
In that case, sir, I'd like to tell him what you have decided.

ORGON:
Then you may tell him, sir, that I will always be guided
By Heaven's will.

CLEANTE:
(Aside) What swill! (to Orgon) Do be serious, say.
If you will keep your promise to Valere.

ORGON:
Good day! (And he is gone)

CLEANTE:
The situation's looking bad for poor Valere!
I'd better go and warn the boy he'd best beware!

Act II, Scene i
[ORGON, MARIANE]

ORGON:
Mariane…

MARIANE:
Yes, Father.

ORGON:
Come here, I want to tell you
A secret.

MARIANE:
What are you looking for?

ORGON:
Spies. You never know who
May be eavesdropping. I want to make sure we're not overheard.
(Making a sudden move at an imaginary foe, perhaps under the table)
Aha! Come out of there!
(finding no one) Good. We are alone.
Mariane, you have always made your father very
Proud. Obedience to your father is your primary
Concern. Your sweet, gentle, daughterly devotion
Touches my heart.

MARIANE:
And your fatherly affection.
Fills me with gratitude.

ORGON:
Well said, my dear, well said!
Now you can prove your love by saying you'll be led
By my wishes in a most important matter.

MARIANE:
Your wishes are my commands. And I do not flatter
You to say so.

ORGON:
Wonderful! What do you think of-Tartuffe?

MARIANE:
Who, me?

ORGON:
Yes you. Now weigh your answer; give me proof
Of your affection.

MARIANE:
Why…I shall think…anything you please.

Act II, Scene ii
[ORGON, MARIANE, DORINE]

ORGON:
Well said, my dear. You are a good girl. Say that he's
The paragon of manhood and he's won your heart.
Say that you agree with my choice and we shall start
Our preparations for your marriage straightaway!

MARIANE:
Eh?

ORGON:
Eh?

MARIANE:
What did you say?

ORGON:
What did you say?

MARIANE:
Surely I misunderstood you, sir.

ORGON:
How now?

MARIANE:
Who is the man to whom you'd have me make my vow
Of love. Who is your choice of husband for me?

ORGON:
Tartuffe.

MARIANE:
Tartuffe?!

ORGON:
Why, yes, I knew that you'd be pleased.

MARIANE:
Tartuffe!?

ORGON:
I know it sounds too good to be true.

MARIANE:
Father, how could you…

ORGON:
How's that? You don't sound grateful or pleased.

MARIANE:
Father, now, would you
Have me lie to please you?

ORGON:
It's not a lie! It's true!

MARIANE:
But why?

ORGON:
Because I said so! Let this be enough
For you. He is my choice.

MARIANE:
But I don't love him.

ORGON: Stuff
And nonsense. Of course you do. It is your duty!
Close your mouth, dear. One day you will see the beauty
Of this match. (sees Dorine) What do you think you're doing there girl. How dare
You spy on us like that.

DORINE:
I don't remember where
I heard it. I thought it was just a silly rumor.
I thought someone had a vicious sense of humor.

ORGON:
You can't conceive of such a thing?

DORINE:
I don't believe
It even from you!

ORGON:
It tell you it's true!

DORINE: I'm not as naïve
As your daughter, sir. I know when I'm being fooled.

ORGON:
I'm in deadly earnest.

DORINE:
Mariane, be schooled
By me. Your father's only teasing.

ORGON:
You heard me say…

DORINE:
Please, sir, don't bother. They won't believe you.

ORGON: You'll rue the day…
(he begins making inarticulate, menacing noises)

DORINE:
Oh dear. I fear we must believe you now. How sad
That a man with such fine facial hair would be mad
Enough to…

ORGON:
You listen to me. I've had enough
Of your guff. If I had not been born again I'd cuff
You about the ears!

DORINE:
How lucky for me you were, then, sir.
I'm sorry to be so dense, sir, but you are truly denser
If you think that man would want your Mariane.
Why, he has many more important things to do.
Like chasing off visitors. Why would a man like you,
With wealth and position choose a wretched, penniless
Beggar for a son-in-law?

ORGON:
Hold your tongue. The less
He has the more reason we have to honor him.
His poverty ought to earn him a place with the seraphim.
He told me confidentially that he allowed
Himself to be robbed of all his earthly goods. He's proud
To say he doesn't give a fig for temporal things.
His heart is set on bigger, more eternal things.
If, with my assistance, he can get his affairs
In order, and win back his property, my prayers
Will be answered. His estate is quite well known
In that part of the world, and when he has it back, I own
The world will acknowledge that he is a real aristocrat.

DORINE:
Yes, so he says himself. But he still can't buy a hat.
It's not because he's poor, it's that his head's too big!
A monumental ego lives beneath his wig.
The man who is the earthly model of piety
Has no need, it seems to me, of earthly vanity.
He knows it's an empty boast to brag about his birth.
And no matter how much land he owns, it's still just earth!
Why should he be so vain? But I'm offending you.
That isn't what I want. Let's change the subject to…
How can you give a man like that a girl like her?
Think of the scandal, sir, that is likely to occur.
A maiden's purity's in peril when you pair
Her with a man she hates. That really isn't fair!
No girl starts out in marriage thinking she will be
Unfaithful. But in time familiarity
May breed contempt and when temptation comes along
It won't be long before she slips. Oh, yes, it's wrong,
But who's at fault? The man whose brow is adorned with horns
Has only himself to blame. And I think Heaven mourns
To see an innocent child married against her will-
Especially to a villain who'd make anyone ill.
Think of the awful consequences before you act!

ORGON: (to Mariane)
Look who's giving instructions on a marriage pact!

DORINE:
You could do a lot worse, sir.

ORGON:
Let's waste no more time.
Listening to her. I know what's best for you, for I'm
Your father. It's true I promised you to young Valere,
But I hear he likes to gamble, a habit I cannot bear.
What's more, I doubt his faith is strong enough for you.
His visits to the church, I fear, are far too few.

DORINE:
Do you want the boy to take the pew right next to you
So he can be seen like your other sycophants do?

ORGON:
I don't remember asking your opinion, girl.
But I believe this match will prove to be a pearl
Beyond price. I can see the two of you living
Like two little cherubs, or turtle doves giving
Your love to each other with never an angry word!
You'll live together in wedded bliss.

DORINE:
That's just absurd.
She'll give him horns. Just wait and see.

ORGON:
That's enough, now.

DORINE:
He's made to have a pair of horns upon his brow.
It is his destiny. And what the fates decree
Will be, regardless of your daughter's virtue.

ORGON:
Mercy me!
Stop interrupting! These things don't concern you at all.
You must learn discretion. If I need you, I'll call.

DORINE:
But, sir, you know I only interfere out of love.

ORGON:
What do I need with your love?

DORINE:
By heaven above,
I'll love you anyway.

ORGON: You will, will you?

DORINE:
Oh, yes!
Your reputation's dear to me. It would distress
Me to see you become the object of ridicule.

ORGON:
Won't you be still?

DORINE:
It would be a sin if I didn't oppose this union.

ORGON:
Silence, you venomous asp…

DORINE:
You'd better go to Communion,
And ask forgiveness for your temper, sir!

ORGON:
You! You!
Make me so mad! Now you be still before I do
Something you'll regret!

DORINE:
Well, I'll be still, but I'll
Be thinking hard.

ORGON:
Think all you like, just keep that vile
Tongue of yours in check. Now, I know you think the worst
But I have thought this matter through.

DORINE:
I'm going to burst
If I can't speak.

ORGON:
Tartuffe is not a fashionable fop,
But still, …

DORINE:
He's sweet as candy with a cherry on top.

ORGON:
He has other qualities, so even if you don't care
For him now…

DORINE:
You're going to make a lovely pair.
If I were in her place, any man who married
Me against my wish would wish that he had tarried.
He'd learn before a week was out, a woman's pique
Is not as weak as her husband might think.

ORGON:
What cheek!
Does what I say carry no weight at all with you?

DORINE:
Why, what did I do, sir? I wasn't talking to you!

ORGON:
What were you doing?

DORINE:
Talking to myself!

ORGON:
Well, know your place!
(Aside) One more word from her and I shall slap her in the face!
(He readies himself to do so; Dorine stands still as a statue.)
Darling daughter, I insist you agree to my plan…
The husband I have chosen…is to be your choice…of a man.

NOTE: As given at the Comédie française, the action is as follows: While Orgon says, "You must approve of my design," Dorine is making signs to Mariane to resist his orders; Orgon turns around suddenly; but Dorine quickly changes her gesture and with the hand which she had lifted calmly arranges her hair and her cap. Orgon goes on, "Think of the husband…" and stops before the middle of his sentence to turn and catch the beginning of Dorine's gesture; but he is too quick this time, and Dorine stands looking at his furious countenance with a sweet and gentle expression. He turns and goes on, and the obstinate Dorine again lifts her hand behind his shoulder to urge Mariane to resistance: this time he catches her; but just as he swings his shoulder to give her the promised blow, she stops him by changing the intent of her gesture, and carefully picking from the top of his sleeve a bit of fluff which she holds carefully between her fingers, then blows into the air, and watches intently as it floats away. Orgon is paralysed by her innocence of expression, and compelled to hide his rage.-

Why don't you talk to yourself?

DORINE:
I have nothing to say.

ORGON:
Come on, just one little word.

DORINE:
I pass. Thanks, anyway.

ORGON:
I'm sorry, what did you say?

DORINE:
I didn't say a word.

ORGON:
Hah! I thought I caught you.

DORINE:
It must have been a bird.

ORGON:
Daughter, obedience is the order of the day.
You must accept my choice and marry who I say.

DORINE:
You will never catch me married to a monster like him!

ORGON:
Your maid makes me so mad, I'd like to tear her limb
From limb. (Catches himself) But that would be a sin. Her insolent talk
Upsets me so, I'll calm myself by taking a walk.

Act II, Scene iii
[MARIANE, DORINE]

DORINE:
Mariane? …Cat got your tongue? … Are you all right? … Take heart!
Speak up. Or do you expect me to play your part?
Come, say your lines. Your father's plan is too absurd
To let it go without making a scene. Not a word?

MARIANE:
What can I do? Father is the master of the house!

DORINE:
Anything to block a disastrous marriage to that louse!

MARIANE:
But what?

DORINE:
Tell him a girl cannot love by proxy.
Then frown and stamp your foot and shake your locks-he
Can't resist that! And then, point out that you're the one-
Not he-who's getting married. Tell him you'll have none
Of this arrangement. Tell him you must love your mate-
Not he-and then, if he will not postpone the date,
If he still insists Tartuffe must march down the aisle, say
He can marry him himself. We won't say nay!

MARIANE:
That's all very well, but a father's rights are very strong.
What could I say? I'd be afraid I might be wrong!

DORINE:
All right, let's think this through. Valere has asked for your hand.
Do you love him or not? That's all you need to understand.

MARIANE:
What do you mean, Dorine? I wish it were so easy.
Sometimes I love him so much, it actually makes me queasy!
I've told you a hundred times before how much I adore
Valere! The sound of his name thrills me to the very core!

DORINE:
How do I know if what you say is what you feel?
How can I tell if this zeal for Valere is feigned or real?

MARIANE:
Dorine, it hurts my feelings that you don't believe
My love. Heaven knows I've worn my heart on my sleeve.

DORINE:
You love him, then?

MARIANE:
More than I can say! I dedicate…

DORINE:
(interrupting) All right, I believe you now. And Valere will reciprocate?

MARIANE:
I believe, so. Yes.

DORINE:
And both of you burn with the desire
To be joined in matrimony?

MARIANE:
We could aspire to nothing higher!

DORINE:
If you'd come back to earth for a moment, what do you plan
To do about your wedding to that other man?

MARIANE:
Oh! I forgot! I'll kill myself if it comes to that!

DORINE:
What a remedy! Why didn't I think of that?
Die, and end all your troubles! Oh! It makes me wild
When I hear you talking like a silly, little child!

MARIANE:
Oh, please, Dorine, you musn't be so hard on me.
I don't need scolding. What I need is sympathy.

DORINE:
I have no sympathy for people who talk drivel!
Who shrivel away from danger and then, whine and snivel!

MARIANE:
But I'm too shy! What am I supposed to do?

DORINE:
You must be bold! And love takes lots of courage too.

MARIANE:
I am bold in my dedication to Valere!
Getting Father's blessing is something he should dare.

DORINE:
Perhaps you're right. But if your father is insane
Because Tartuffe has wormed his way into his brain
And made him change your wedding date, can you blame Valere?

MARIANE:
But if I spurn Tartuffe, I may as well declare
My love for Valere in the public square! He's not so rare,
Though, of course, he's charming and handsome beyond compare,
But still, is that enough for me to sacrifice
My modesty and my duty to father?

DORINE:
You're far too nice
For your own good. I see you should become Madame
Tartuffe. It would be cruel to tell you of a qualm
I have about your father's match. But why bother?
Tartuffe is quite a catch. And since you would rather
Spend the rest of your life with him, I'll save my breath.
Just think of it! You'll be with Monsieur Tartuffe till death
Do you part. Why, being his wife will be a pleasant task.
With him you'll bask in the public eye. What more could you ask?
Tartuffe is a man of honor and integrity-
A man of rare ability. He's even nobility
In that lovely little village his wherever it is.
And, of course, he's handsome. Think of those charming red ears,
That indescribable complexion and the years
You'll have to enjoy them.

MARIANE:
Oh dear!

DORINE:
Think of the wedded bliss
With a man like this.

MARIANE:
Please, stop! You know I've dreaded this
Sort of thing. You have to help me find a way
To change my father's mind. I'll do anything you say.

DORINE:
No, no. A dutiful daughter mustn't be so spunky.
Even if her father wants her to marry a monkey
She must obey him. Besides, you'll have a lovely fate.
Come, let's contemplate your future as his mate.
You'll get to ride in a stagecoach out to his rural estate
Where you'll meet a spate of relatives, who'll all relate
The details of life on the farm in all its variety.
And then you'll be introduced to the best society!
You'll meet the bailiff's and the tax-collector's wives
And get to hear the fascinating stories of their lives.
And once a year, there'll be a dance at the county fair
Where you can dance the night away without a care
To the lilting strains of the local orchestra: two bagpipes!
Punch and Judy! A trained monkey dressed up in stripes!
But if your husband…

MARIANE:
You're killing me! Please don't tease
Me so. I need your advice and help!

DORINE:
(curtsying to go) Your servant.

MARIANE:
Please!
I beg you…

DORINE:
No! You must be married. It's only fair.
MARIANE:
Dorine!

DORINE:
Oh, no!

MARIANE:
What if I say I love Valere?

DORINE:
No, no. Tartuffe's the man for you. It's an acquired
Taste, I know, but that is what will be required
Of you.

MARIANE:
This isn't funny anymore. I've hated
Every word…

DORINE:
Yes. You shall be Tartufficated! (Mariane shudders violently)
There's a word for you!

MARIANE:

If that's all you care
For me, you can leave me alone with my despair.
It will give me and advice and help in my distress.
I know one sure cure for my unhappiness.
(She starts to exit as if to the guillotine.)

DORINE:
What a sad song! But come, I can't be angry with you
For long. When you look like that I have to pity you.

MARIANE:
Oh, don't you see, Dorine, if this is what my life
Will be, I'd rather die than consent to be his wife.

DORINE:
Don't' fret. We'll find a way to change the status quo.
Come on now, dry your tears, for look, here comes your beau.

Act II, Scene iv
[MARIANE, DORINE, VALERE]

VALERE:
Madame, I'd like to hear your views on a bit of news
I heard just now.

MARIANE:
Oh dear, what's that?

VALERE:
Did your father choose
To change his mind and give you to Tartuffe?

MARIANE:
It's strange
But true.

VALERE:
Your father, madame…

MARIANE:
Said that he could change
His mind. I only just found out.

VALERE:
Is he serious?

MARIANE:
I don't know.

VALERE:
What do you mean!? Your answer makes me delirious!
You really don't know?

MARIANE:
No.

VALERE:
No?

MARIANE:
Yes, no. What do you advise?
What do you want me to do?

VALERE:
Do?

MARIANE:
Do.

VALERE:
I think the wise
Thing to do is to marry the man.

MARIANE:
That's your advice?

VALERE:
Yes, that's my advice.

MARIANE:
Do you mean it?

VALERE:
Must I say it twice?
Marrying Tartuffe would be your wisest choice.

MARIANE:
Indeed?
If that is what you really want me to do, I'll heed
Your advice.

VALERE:
And take it without hesitation
I see.

MARIANE:
I see you gave it with no reservation.

VALERE:
Madame, I told you only what you wanted to hear.

MARIANE:
And I will do what you want me to do, never fear.

DORINE:
It's time to see what course this affair is going to take.

VALERE:
I see that all your protestations of love were fake!

MARIANE:
How can you say that? You told me I shouldn't hesitate
To take Monsieur Tartuffe as my lawfully wedded mate.
Since that's what you want, I'll do exactly as you propose.

VALERE:
Do precisely what you desire and that will close
The matter once and for all. You've already made up your mind,
So don't blame me for your change of heart, you'll have to find
Some other reason to justify breaking your sacred word.

MARIANE:
Well put.

VALERE:
To think you gave me your heart at the start is absurd.

MARIANE:
You're free to think whatever you like.

VALERE:
Oh yes, I'm free.
And I know other girls who would be true to me!

MARIANE:
I'm sure you do! And since you are so very good…

VALERE:
Goodness has nothing to do with it! I haven't very much.
But I may find more kindness in another's touch.
In fact, I know of one who's not too proud to take
One who vowed to love one who made his heart break.

MARIANE:
I'm sure you and your broken heart will manage to heal.

VALERE:
I'll do my level best, if that's the way you feel.
I've heard a broken heart is very hard to mend;
Time heals all wounds, they say. If not, I shall pretend
To be happy and so avoid becoming an object of scorn.
They say no staff is more foolish than one tipped with horn.

MARIANE:
Whoever "they" are gave us a noble sentiment.

VALERE:
And every real man knows it to be self-evident.

Act III, Scene i
[DORINE, DAMIS]

DAMIS:
Egad! May lighting strike me dead right on this spot;
May I be called a cowardly villain if I'm not
Doing something desperate just because I've got
Some silly scruple or fear!

DORINE:
Young sir, you are too hot!
Your father merely mentioned it. And talk is cheap!
The road from words to action is often long and steep.

DAMIS:
But I mean what I say! I intend to put and end
To this sorry fellow's plans and then I'll send
A message he won't soon forget!

DORINE:
Slow down, sir, do!
And leave this "sorry fellow"-and your father too-
In your step-mother's hands. I believe that she can sway
Tartuffe; he seemed to hang on every word she'd say
The other day and I suspect he's fond of her. I pray
That may be so! It would be a laugh, I daresay.
Besides, she's already sent for him to sound him out
In your behalf, to find out what he thinks about
This foolish marriage to Mariane. She'll be able to show
Tartuffe what a bother it would be if he should go
To the altar as your father plans. Let the lady
Take the opportunity to persuade this shady
Fellow that he'd be making a big mistake to take
Your sister for a bride. His man says he's praying
So I can't see him now, (that's what he's always saying)
But he also says that he'll be down before you know
So you leave everything to me. Now off you go!

DAMIS:
I want to stay and hear this conversation.

DORINE:
No!
They must be left in private.

DAMIS:
But I want to know…

DORINE:
Now is not the time for one of your tantrums. Now!
Go! Before you spoil things.

DAMIS:
I promise I know how
To behave. I have to see. It's a matter of matter of manly pride!

DORINE:
Oh please! Deliver me. Tartuffe is coming! Hide!

Act III, Scene ii
[TARTUFFE, DORINE]

TARTUFFE:
[Seeing Dorine and turning back to his rooms offstage]
Laurent, put up my hair shirt and my scourge for a while.
And pray that Heaven make his countenance to smile
Upon you. And when the pilgrims gather at our door
Seeking my counsel, just say I've gone to help those poor
Wretches who languor in prison by sharing the last of my money.

DORINE:
I've seen it all! That man is gall swimming in honey!

TARTUFFE:
Did you wish to speak to me?

DORINE:
Oh, yes.

TARTUFFE:
Good grief!
Don't say a word until you take my handkerchief!

DORINE:
But I…

TARTUFFE:
Cover that bosom girl. [He does himself cover her bosom keeping his hand there] I dare not look!
It's with such things as those that Satan sets his hook
In a man and pulls him out of control!

DORINE:
Are you quite through?
[At last he removes hand and perhaps absently and ardently sniffs at his hanky]
It seems temptations of the flesh are hard for you.
I never thought a sight like that could set a man
Like you on fire! And if I saw you totally nude, I can
Guarantee my only desire would be to flee!

TARTUFFE:
[More than a little titillated at the prospect of a chase]
Good gracious, girl, unless you speak more modestly
I swear that I'll be forced to take my leave of you.

DORINE:
Believe me, nothing could please me more. But first, I do
Have a message from Madame: She says that she'll be down
In a moment, and desires a word with you.

TARTUFFE:
Oh, joy!

DORINE:
Aha! I knew I was right about the old boy!

TARTUFFE:
Do you think she's coming soon?

DORINE:
[Parrying again] That's my belief.
My message delivered, I leave this buffoon. What a relief! [She exits]

Act III, Scene iii
[TARTUFFE, ELMIRE]

TARTUFE:
May the abundant grace of Heaven keep your body
And soul in perfect health. And may our gracious God, He
Who knows our every desire, bless you through the fervent
Prayers of one who desires only to be your servant.

ELMIRE:
Thank you for those very pious wishes, but please, sir,
Sit down here with me so we may talk at leisure.

TARTUFFE:
I trust that you've recovered from your dreadful malaise.

ELMIRE:
Thank you. The fever lasted only a couple of days.

TARTUFFE:
I know my humble prayers are not so meritorious
That by themselves they could affect a cure so glorious
As yours. But let me tell you every prayer I've prayed
Has been that your return to health was not delayed.

ELMIRE
Your kind concern for me is more than I deserve.

TARTUFFE:
No! You deserve my unswerving devotion. If it would preserve
Your heavenly body…and soul, I'd gladly trade my own.

ELMIRE:
I've never known such Christian love. It's overblown
I fear. But I thank you for the thought nonetheless.

TARTUFFE:
Regardless, I take your thanks as infinite largesse.

ELMIRE:
Yes…. I have a matter requiring some discretion
To discuss. I'm glad there's no one here to listen
To what we say.

TARTUFFE:
Fear not, madam, I know it's true!
I'm overjoyed to find myself alone with you.
Until this moment I have prayed in vain for the bliss
Of this happy opportunity.

ELMIRE:
Perhaps, but this
I s all I wish: A word or two with you, no more.
Be frank and honest; Conceal nothing I implore.

TARTUFFE:
It is all that I could wish that I could lay
Bare my soul before your eyes, and so, if I may
Please let me say the trouble that I took to pray
For you each day was prompted by no mean purpose-nay-
But from the purest motives and a passionate
Devotion.

ELMIRE:
Yes. I'm sure that you would never let
Anything but my salvation enter your mind.

TARTUFFE:
Heaven forfend! But my devotion is the kind…

ELMIRE:
My hand. You're squeezing too hard.

TARTUFFE:
Please forgive my ardor.
I would never hurt you.

ELMIRE:
But you're squeezing harder!
Thank you. … What do you think your hand is doing there?
TARTUFFE:
Feeling the softness of your … dress. It's beyond compare.

ELMIRE:
Now don't do that! You're tickling me!

TARTUFFE:
Why look at that!
Your lovely lace is divine! That anyone could tat
So perfect a piece is nothing short of a miracle.
When I see things like that how cn I help being lyrical?

ELMIRE:
You do go on. But let me return to my concern:
There is a rumor about which I would like to learn
The truth: They say my husband means to break his word
And marry Mariane to you. It sounds absurd,
But is it true?

TARTUFFE:
Your husband hinted at such a thing.
But the truth is there is something else that would bring
Me greater happiness. I must confess I see
My deepest joy resides in a different locality.

ELMIRE:
You mean you have no love for earthly things alone?

TARTUFFE:
I mean the heart that beats within my breast isn't made of stone.

ELMIRE:
I'm sure, Monsieur, your thoughts are all fixed on higher
Things and there is nothing here below that you require.

TARTUFFE:
But madam, love of Heavenly beauty doesn't preclude
A healthy appreciation for earthly pulchritude!
Our mortal senses are easily charmed by perfect works
That Heaven has fashioned here below. And such charm lurks
In women like you. And in your charming form
It placed the Universal Norm that will inform
The ages what beauty is. Indeed, it placed in your face
Such dazzling wonders and in your limbs such grace
That every eye's entranced and every heart is trapped.
I look on you, Nature's perfect creature, and I'm enrapt
With admiring awe for Nature's mighty Creator!
And feeling all the while a love that's even greater
For you, the fairest image of eternal love.
Even so, at first I trembled lest this secret love
Should prove to be the Devil in a pleasing shape;
I even tried to teach my heart to make its escape
From your beauty, fearing it would become my damnation.
But soon I was blessed with a blazing revelation:
I saw how such a passion as mine could be
Innocent and even square with modesty!
And in this way I can avoid the awful fire
Of Hell and surrender to this lawful desire.
It is, I know, audacious of me to offer my heart,
But even though I'm bold, I swear I use no art.
Instead my hopes rely on your benevolence.
You are my hope, my heart, my peace, my recompense.
My future bliss or torment hangs on your decree:
Most blessed or most wretched of men: which shall I be?

ELMIRE:
That's quite a pretty speech; but still I am surprised
A man like you would let his heart be compromised.
It seems to me you should have fortified your heart
Lest you be mortified by the wounds left by love's dart.
You are a pious man, and one who's prominent …

TARTUFFE:
True, but piety is not my dominant
Trait. I am still a man and when a man is near
The power of your heavenly charms, he is, I fear,
Like me, incapable of thought; and things he ought
To do are driven from his mind. It's true, you've caught
Me saying things that may seem out of place, but I'm
No angel, after all. And yet, my only crime-
If it is a crime, is one I blame on you.
For ever since I first beheld your beauty, you
Have been the sole sovereign of my immortal soul.
The sweetness in your eyes quite overwhelmed my whole
Being and conquered everything that I once yearned
For. Fasts and prayers, and every kind of worship turned
To face your light. I've tried to show you in many ways:
Through looks and sighs but when I speak my voice betrays
Me with a squeak. But if you condescend to gaze
With favor on your worthless vassal, and relieve
My agony of loneliness, you may believe,
To you, O miracle of sweetness-I shall pay you
Homage such as the world could not conceive. May you
Receive your devoted suppliant's many acts of worship
Without a risk of scandal or fear of vicious gossip.
I'm not like most other men who like to brag
And swagger to show the world their prowess and so drag
Their lady's honor in the dirt. The moment they
Are granted the favors they seek, these asses bray,
Fouling the very altar where their hearts desire
Had been fulfilled. But men like me, who have a higher
Calling, are so discreet in love that you may trust
Us to protect your good name just as we must
Protect our own! The care we take to do just that
Will guarantee the object of our attention
Will be safe from discovery. There's no need for abstention.
You will find that hearts like ours are so sincere,
Give you love without scandal, pleasure without fear!

ELMIRE:
I've heard what you have to say-your speech is clear, at least,
But don't you fear I might expose you to a priest
Or even tell my husband of your bold advance;
A full disclosure of this business might, perchance,
Effect a change in the friendship he now feels for you.

TARTUFFE:
I am confident that your generosity
Of spirit will be able to forgive my temerity,
And will even excuse the violent passion
That so offends you as my all too human
Frailty. But remember as you gaze into
Your glass that I'm not blind. And I'm made of flesh, too.

ELMIRE:
I suppose some women might do otherwise,
But I am willing to use discretion in the guise
Of wisdom and not tell my husband what's happened here;
But I want something in return: You must make clear
To him that you support the marriage of Valere
To Mariane, and show me that you truly care
By freely abdicating the peculiar hold
You have over my husband through which you're so bold
To seize another's rights.

Act III, Scene v
[TARTUFFE, ELMIRE, DAMIS]

DAMIS:
No! This must come to light!
Heaven be praised I've come in time to do what's right!
I was hiding there and overheard it all!
Yes! Heaven surely put me where I could forestall
All this scoundrel's appalling plans and grant me a way
To ring down vengeance on his arrogant ways today!
Now even father will be able to see his hypocrisy
For he's been caught making love to you!

ELMIRE:
No, it will be
Enough if he will learn from this affair and try
To earn this generous reprieve he's been given by
Changing his heart and his behavior. It's not my way
To make a public scandal every time some gray
Old man decides to say a word of love to me.
An honest wife pays no attention to such folly.
And certainly never bothers her husband with such nonsense.

DAMIS:
You have your reasons and I'm sure that they make sense
To you. But I have mine for doing otherwise.
I think to let this man escape would be unwise
To say the least. For far too long this insolent man
Has filled me with righteous anger simply because he can!
For far too long he's held my father in his spell,
And sought to quell my sister's love and mine as well!
His lies must be exposed before my fathers' eyes.
O mother, every fiber of my being cries
Enough! This opportunity was heaven-sent!
It would be wrong to squander it!

ELMIRE:
Damis, relent!

DAMIS:
No, madame, by your leave, I won't take your advice.
I'm giddy with delight! That's right! I won't think twice
To take my just revenge! Heaven has shown me how
To end the tawdry matter. Good! Here comes my father now!

Act III, Scene v
[TARTUFFE, ELMIRE, DAMIS, ORGON]

DAMIS:
Father, I'm glad you're here, but I have a surprising bit
Of news you won't be glad to hear! Your favorite
Sees fit to repay your loving generosity
With something I must call a real atrocity!
This shameless man attempted to defame your name
And bring dishonor on your blameless wife! I came
Here just a moment ago, and caught him in the act
Of wooing my mother! I wish that I'd attacked and whacked
Him then and there! She didn't want me to overreact
So I backed down but that doesn't alter the fact
He wanted to seduce her! Even though she thought
It best you never learn the truth, still I can not
Countenance such bald faced act of treachery.
I think it best to expose his shameless lechery!

ELMIRE:
Damis, I wish you would have heeded my request.
I feel a wife need not disturb her husband's rest-
His peace of mind-just because some pitiful pest
Tries to compromise her virtue. I still think it best
That she defend herself with little or no ado. (She exits.)

Act III, Scene vi
[TARTUFFE, ORGON, DAMIS]

ORGON:
Heaven above! Can everything I hear be true?

TARTUFFE:
Yes, dear brother, I'm a wicked, nefarious knave,
A cur whose sins will dog him to the grave, a slave
To vice! The greatest criminal to walk the earth!
All of my deeds are stained with filth. My life is worth
Nothing! I see Heaven wills my mortification
To punish me. And if they get some gratification
From charging me with heinous crimes, I'll hold my peace.
Believe whatever they have to say. Call the Police!
And have them take me away! I will not add the sin
Of pride to the list I have to answer for by speaking in
My own defense. Whatever shame you heap on me
Is less than I deserve.

ORGON:
You knave! What villainy!
To use these calumnies to try to stain
His spotless reputation.

DAMIS:
It gives me pain
To say this, sir, but you are wrong! This hypocrite
Feigns humility to gain…

ORGON:
(Be very careful of this one…) Silence, you puling twit!

TARTUFFE:
No! Let him go on. It's wrong to reprimand him.
Listen! And believe his tales, and, yes, command him
To tell you more! Why side with me in this affair?
Why trust my seeming-virtuous mien? How could you dare
To judge from that, that I'm the better man? Oh, no!
Don't let appearances deceive you. You should know
I'm not what people think. Men believe I'm holy
But Heaven knows the simple truth is that I'm wholly
Corrupt. (to Damis) So, by all means, go on, my son, and call
Me traitor, scoundrel, thief and murderer and all
The most despicable names that you can find to lay
On my head and I'll wear them as a crown of thorns and say
To the world that I deserve to be a penitant.

ORGON:
Brother, this is more than I can bear! (to Damis) Recant,
You blackguard!

DAMIS:
What!? Are you so easily deceived!

ORGON:
Silence, scoundrel! (to Tartuffe) Please, get up from your knees. (to Damis) Indeed,
You are a monster!

DAMIS:
Can this hypocrite…

ORGON:
Silence!

DAMIS:
Look at him!

ORGON:
One more word and I swear I'll tear you limb from limb!

TARTUFFE:
In God's name, don't be angry with the lad.
I'd sooner be laid on the rack than Damis had
A scratch because of me.

ORGON:
Ungrateful fiend!

TARTUFFE:
No, please!
On my knees, I beg you to pardon his iniquities.

ORGON: (falling to his knees and embracing Tartuffe)
You are a paragon of virtue. (to Damis) Villain, behold
A paradigm of goodness!

DAMIS:
What!? That shifty old,

ORGON:
Silence!

DAMIS:
What!?

ORGON:
Be still! I know your motivations
For this vile attack. These evil machinations
Spring from envy! Wife and children, even servants
Seek to bring him down. They squander all their talents
To drive this godly man from my side. Bit it's to no
Avail! Every blow you strike to make him go,
I'll parry and riposte-And just to spite your pride-
Without delay, I'll give him my daughter to be his bride!

DAMIS:
Father! Do you intend to force my sister to marry?

ORGON:
I certainly do and to irritate you, it will be this very
Night, you rogue! I'll show you all who's master here!
Now get down on your knees and give him your sincere
Apology.

DAMIS:
Me? Apologize to that lying cheat?

ORGON:
What? You disobey me? And insult him? I'll beat
You, boy! Somebody get me a club! (to Tartuffe) Don't try to hold
Me back! (to Damis) Get out and don't come back. You heard what I told
You. GO!

DAMIS:
I'll leave your house, but…

ORGON:
Leave! And quickly, too!
You less than worthless thing! I disinherit you!
And all I leave you is a father's curse!

Act III, Scene vii
[TARTUFFE, ORGON]

ORGON: It's too
Painful to hear these insults hurled at a saint like you!

TARTUFFE:
Heaven, forgive me all my sins, as I forgive his.
If you could only know what a burden it is
For me to see them try to vilify me to my
Brother!

ORGON:
Alas!

TARTUFFE:
The though of such ingratitude
Fills my soul with bitter dismay. If only you'd
A loyal son who'd only … Oh, the horror of it!
My heart's too full; I cannot speak-I may die of it!

ORGON:
Scoundrel! Why did I let you go? I should have killed
You here and now with my own hands. My heart is filled
With pity for you, brother. Pray, don't be upset…

TARTUFFE:
No, dear brother. Let's end this rancor now. You get
Nothing but trouble for the pains you take with me.
I think it best I leave your house immediately.

ORGON:
Surely you don't mean it!

TARTUFFE:
Everyone hates me here,
And tries to make you doubt my faith is sincere.

ORGON:
That may be so. But do you think I pay them any heed?

TARTUFFE:
But they won't stop till they succeed. Indeed, the seed
Of doubt that's planted now may one day bear the fruit
Of your belief that what they say is true.

ORGON:
Oh no!
Dear brother! Never!

TARTUFFE:
Ah, my friend, how well I know
How easy is it for Eve to mislead a husband's mind.

ORGON:
No, no!

TARTUFFE:
So let me go away and leave behind
A place that free from such attacks.

ORGON:
No you must stay!
My life depends on it!

TARTUFFE:
Then I must take a day
To mortify my flesh with fasting and prayer. And yet,
If you would like… (he gestures as if to leave)

ORGON:
Never!

TARTUFFE:
Very well, without regret.
I say I'll stay. But honor is a delicate thing
And I must act accordingly. I would not bring
Scandal on my friend and so to avoid suspicion
I shall avoid your wife. That's my condition
For staying on.

ORGON:
No! Just to spite them all
I want you to follow her every step. To appall
Them is my principal joy and my one delight.
I insist you be seen together day and night!
And what's more, to really make those ingrates squirm,
I here decree that you're my only heir. I'll confirm
My word with actions straightaway. I'll go and draw
A deed of gift to you, my friend, my son-in-law
To be. You are more than wife or son or kin
To me! Say that you accept and I shall begin
The immediate transfer of my estates into your name.

TARTUFFE:
Heaven's will be done in all things!

ORGON:
Thank God you came
Into my life! Let's go and do things legally
And let those envious dogs choke on their contumely!

Act IV, Scene i
[Cleante, Tartuffe]

Cleante:
It's become the only topic of conversation,
A sensation that hardly enhances your reputation.
And I am glad I met you, sir, frankly to share
My opinion rather than get to the bottom of this affair.
For the sake of argument, let's suppose the worst:
Suppose Damis acted like a traitor and cursed
You falsely. What of that? Shouldn't a Christian forgive?
Shouldn't he cleanse his heart of the wish for revenge and live
The purer for it? Can you allow a son to be
Driven from his father's house over such a petty
Disagreement? I must repeat quite frankly, sir,
This matter's created quite a scandalous stir:
Everyone I know, both high and low, is outraged!
You would be better off if you were disengaged
From this whole business. If you want my best advice:
Don't push things any farther, but make a sacrifice
Of your resentment to your God, and so return
The favor of a father to his son.

TARTUFFE:
I yearn
To do that very thing. And if it were up to me,
I would do it! I don't resent his calumny;
Despite what you may think. I pardon every slight,
Forgive him his trespasses, and I wish I might
Be his humble servant. But Heaven's interests can't
Allow it! After everyone heard his awful rant
And saw his shocking behavior, I am left no choice
But to leave this house if he returns. I hear God's voice;
It tells me clearly any intercourse between
Damis and me would bring scandal. It would be seen
As scheming on my part; The gossips would claim I feigned
A Christian love for my accuser. I'd be arraigned
Because I feared him in my heart and hoped to win
His silence by my "evil arts" which are steeped in sin.

CLEANTE:
I find your arguments amazing, sir, because
They're so outlandish! How can you say that Heaven's cause
Is yours alone? Does Heaven need your help to weed
Out sinners? Or punish wrong? No, we should heed the creed
That teaches us to pardon others so we may be
Pardoned ourselves. For vengeance is not ours, you see,
It is the Lord's. Moreover, we should disregard
What the world may think, and though it's very hard,
We must seek to do whatever Heaven commands.

TARTUFFE:
I already forgave him; that's how the matter stands.
So I've already obeyed the commands of Heaven, but
After the dreadful things that happened today that cut
Me to the quick, Heaven doesn't order me to live
With him.

CLEANTE:
But does Heaven order you to give
Your approval to what his father decided on a whim?
And to accept a gift that rightly belongs to him?

TARTUFFE:
No one who knows me, sir, can think that I
Am acting from a selfish motive. I have no eye
For worldly goods. I am not moved by that which is
Just the treacherous deceitfulness of riches.
And if I bring myself to take this gift he insists
On giving me, it's only because the fear persists
That the whole estate will fall into the wrong hands.
And they'd fail to husband this wealth according to Heaven's commands,
They wouldn't spend it all as I intend for good
But they would squander it on themselves, if they thought they could!

CLEANTE:
Oh please, sir, give up this most conscientious qualm.
It traumatizes the rightful heir and is just a balm
For your conscience. There is no need for you to take
So much peril on yourself. For his own sake
Let the boy have what is his and run his own
Risk. I believe the public would sooner condone
The thought of him wasting his fortune than of you
Robbing him of it. Why, you would seem a parvenu!
Think of the disgrace! I'm amazed that you'd accept
This offer without blushing. Can you find a precept
Of true religion that teaches the robbing of a lawful heir?
Take care, sir. And if Heaven has forbidden that you
And Damis should live together here, shouldn't you
Take the honorable course and quietly withdraw, rather than
Allow a son to be driven from his home? Reason
Forbids it. So, if you would do this, I'm sure you see
You'd set a fine example…

TARTUFFE:
Sir, it's half past three.
Certain devotions draw me to my frugal cell;
I know you'll forgive me for leaving so soon.

CLEANTE:
Ah! Well…

Act IV, Scene ii
[Cleante, Dorine, Mariane, Elmire]

DORINE: (To Cleante)
Monsieur, I beg of you to take this poor girl's part!
Her suffering's enough to break the hardest heart.
She is beside herself because her father plans
To marry her off without even publishing the Banns,
This very night! We must come together, sir,
And do every single thing we can to help her.

Act IV, Scene iii
[Cleante, Dorine, Mariane, Orgon, Elmire]

ORGON:
Oho! I'm so glad I found you all together here!
I have a marriage contract here that makes it clear
That you shall be a happy wife before the day
Is done!

MARIANE:
Oh dear father, on my knees I pray
By Heaven that knows the agony that this decree
Is causing me, that you would look with sympathy
On my grief and free me from the obligation I owe
You as my father. But if I'm forced to undergo
This torture, I know a deep resentment will start to grow
In my heart against this sacred duty. Please, don't sow
These seeds of discontent and make me pray that you
Were not my father. If you ruin the life that you
Gave me by taking away my fondest hope: that I
Might wed the one I have dared to adore, why
Would you torment me further by giving me
To one whom I abhor? Father, do not force me
To take some desperate measures because you choose
To assert your rights. Think what treasures we both will lose!

ORGON:
Oh, dear. Be firm, my heart. No human weakness now.

MARIANE:
I am not jealous of your love for him. Endow
Tartuffe with your estate! And if he still wants more
Give him my share, too, for all I care. I am more
Than willing to give it up, but don't give me as well.
Think of your only daughter condemned to live in … well,
A convent for the remainder of her miserable life.

ORGON:
Girls are such ninnies. Always turning nun rather than wife
Just because their father intervenes in their
Silly love affairs. Get up, my dear. I swear
That you shall have Tartuffe to husband. The more
You hate this match, the better it will be for your
Immortal soul. So mortify your flesh, my girl,
And marry where you're told to.

DORINE:
What in the world…?

ORGON:
And you had better hold your tongue and remember your place!

CLEANTE:
Perhaps you'd permit me to offer a word of advice in the face…

ORGON:
Brother, no one's words of advice do I value more
Than yours. But if you will permit me I'll ignore
Them just now.

ELMIRE:
Words fail me when I see the things I see.
Your blindness in this matter quite bewilders me.
He clearly has you under a spell if you do not
Believe us when we give you our word and tell you what
Happened here today.

ORGON:
Your servant, sir. My dear: (he starts to go, but thinks better of it)
I can see what I can see and it is clear
You are so partial to our no-good son that you won't say
A word against the shameful trick he tried to play
On poor Tartuffe today. Besides, you were too calm.
Your credibility would have been much greater, Madame,
Had you shown a little emotion.

ELMIRE:
Do you think it best
An honest woman fly into a rage at the merest
Mention of illicit love? Or may we not
Defend our honor by any means except with hot,
Disdainful looks? For my part, I have always laughed
At such petty nonsense. I think a loud to-do is daft!
My view is that virtue should be gentle and kind.
I don't agree with vicious prudes, whose minds are blind,
But who are ready to rip out men's eyes at the first sign
Of scandal. Preserve me from honor like that; it's asinine!
The devil in a pleasing shape is not the sort
Of virtue I prefer. And a quiet, cold retort
Is no less effective in putting off a suitor.

ORGON:
Yes… You can't throw me off by trying to be my tutor…

ELMIRE:
And yet, I marvel your position is so weak.
For all your unbelief, I know you want to seek
The truth. I wonder what you'd say if you could see
That what we told you is the truth.

ORGON:
Did you say, "see?"

ELMIRE:
I did.

ORGON:
Nonsense.

ELMIRE:
What if I could find a way
To make you see it clearly in the light of day?

ORGON:
Utter rubbish!

ELMIRE:
What a man! Now. Answer me!
I'm not suggesting you believe Damis or me
Right now. But, what if we revealed the truth while you
Are concealed where you could see and hear your man of virtue?
What would you say then?

ORGON:
Why, I would say… not a word!
It can't be so. It's absurd.

ELMIRE:
Your blindness has endured
Too long already. And I've been called a liar quite
Enough. It will give me pleasure to shine the light
Of Truth on him and then to watch your reaction
When you see and hear for yourself this man in action!

ORGON:
Very well, I'll hold you to your word. Present
Your evidence; I'll listen with patience. You have my consent!

ELMIRE: (TO Dorine)
Send him to me.

DORINE:
Take care, ma'am, he's very clever.
He's likely to be ever so hard to catch.

ELMIRE:
Never
Fear, my dear. A lover's never hard to cheat,
For self-conceit always leads straight to self-deceit.
Tell him to come to me. (to Cleante and Mariane) And you two, go away.

Act IV, Scene iv
[Elmire, Orgon]

ELMIRE:
Bring this table over here. No. The other way.
Now get underneath.

ORGON:
Under…why?

ELMIRE:
Do as I say!
I know what I'm doing, dear. Now, get under there,
And please take care that no one sees or hears you.

ORGON:
There.
I hope you know how much I'm doing just to please you.
But I'll play along with your little plot.

ELMIRE:
I hope you do,
And then we'll see what you have to say. But understand
That I intend to do and say some strange things. And
You must be ready to see and hear the truth. It may be
You will be shocked and hurt by what you hear and see
But please remember I am only doing this
To prove to you I'm right. Nothing more, I promise.
I'm forced to flirt and say sweet nothings since my task-
My only goal-is to make this hypocrite drop his mask.
To do this I must seem to give encouragement
To his passion and give free rein to all his impudent
Behavior. But since I'm feigning love for him to prove
My love for you, it's up to you to make the move
To stop this little charade. I can stop the instant
You're convinced he's guilty. I shall be as distant
As you please as soon as you please, so when you've seen and heard
Enough, just say the word. And I prefer I heard
The word sooner rather than later. Don't expose
Me to any more than is necessary. God knows
It's up to you to keep me safe by ending this…It's him!
Shhh! Get out of sight!…

Act IV, Scene v
[Tartuffe, Elmire, Orgon (under the table)]

TARTUFFE:
You wanted to see me, ma'am?

ELMIRE:
Oh, yes. I have secrets meant for only your ear. (he advances)
But first …shut the door and look all around. I fear
There may be someone spying on us. We don't want
Another scene like the one we just had! That will haunt
Me the rest of my days! Damis frightened me so
For you, I didn't know what to do! I hope you know
I wanted to calm him down and intercede but he
So unnerved me, I never thought to refute his story!
Thank Heaven your good reputation saved the day
And everything turned out the way it did. I'd say
For now we're even safer than before. It's clear
My husband doesn't suspect you in the least, my dear.
To spite the scandal-mongers, he insists that now
We two should be together constantly, that's how
It's possible that we can be locked up like this,
Alone where I can reveal my heart, so eager for the bliss
Your passion can give.

TARUFFE:
I'm not quite sure I understand,
Madame. A moment ago I thought I didn't stand
A chance.

ELMIRE:
If that refusal put you off your part,
How little you must know about a woman's heart.
How badly you interpret what it wants you to guess
When it puts up so weak a defense. Nonetheless,
You must know at first our modesty resists
The tender feelings you inspire. When love persists
And conquers us we need some valid reason why,
To justify our misbehavior so we can sigh
And claim to be ashamed when really we are not.
And from the way we do these things, a lover ought
To be able to see that we've surrendered our hearts
To them Even though our lips deny our heart's
Desire. There's a promise in that denial. You see?
I fear I'm telling you my secrets too freely.
And now that I have spoken so immodestly,
I want you to … say if I should've kept Damis
From speaking out. Would I have listened quietly
As you offered your heart to me so touchingly
And suffered all your ardent importunity
Had I not seen it as an opportunity?
And a pleasant one? And when I did my best
To contest your coming marriage did I protest
So earnestly in vain? My very ardor should
Have been a hint that you inspired my womanhood
To thoughts akin to jealousy if you made that match
And so compelled me to share with her so fine a catch
As you.

TARTUFFE:
It's true. Nothing lifts my spirits higher
Than hearing these words-that fire my senses with desire-
From your sweet, honey lips. They pour down nectar on me
Like a gentle balm from heaven. My heart is completely
Consumed with pleasing you. And that's the very pinnacle
Of joy for me. But still, I'm a little cynical.
I fear these words may only be a cunning ploy
To make me forego my approaching nuptial joy.
If I may be blunt, I cannot trust this siren's call
Until I'm granted some small favor. That is all.
And then I'll be assured of the veracity
Of your assertions. You'll find that my capacity
For showing gratitude is very great, but still
I need a firm foundation on which to build
A lasting trust in your sweet charity.

ELMIRE: (coughing to catch Orgon's attention)
Oh dear!
(recovering) Why do you feel the need to go so fast? I fear
You would you exhaust all the love a woman's heart
Can give right at the start. But there's another part
That you would miss. And count the cost! If a woman makes
This declaration of love, think of the risk she takes.
It seems to me that savoring that should be enough
But, no, you're never satisfied until your rough
And carnal nature receives her ultimate treasure.

TARTUFFE:
The less a man deserves a blessing, the greater the pleasure
He takes in accepting it. Words alone can never
Slake a real man's thirst for love. It were ever
So. And since a man 's imagination is so small,
He can't believe a thing until he's had it all.
And I-who know so well how little I deserve
Your generosity, and doubt how much my nerve
Alone may win me-I can trust nothing until I feel
That you've convinced me by giving me something real.

ELMIRE:
Ah! I see your love would play the tyrant's part!
And disconcert my defenses. You'd dominate my heart
And take by force the prize you ought to win by suit.
I'm having trouble…escaping…from your hot pursuit!
Please, sir, give me a moment; you take my breath away!
Do you think it's proper to proceed in this aggressive way?
And by rushing on misuse the fondness you may find
Within a woman's vulnerable heart and mind?

TARTUFFE:
But if my adoration wins your gracious favor,
Why deny me some clear proof ?

ELMIRE:
I've made him braver!
But how can I consent to give what you desire
Without offending Heaven and risking eternal fire?

TARTUFFE:
If fear of Heaven is all that you are worried about,
I can remove that obstacle without a doubt.
You heart need not be bridled by such a little thing.

ELMIRE:
And yet, Heaven's commands are very frightening!

TARTUFFE:
Allow me to dispel these foolish fears, my dear.
I am skilled in the art of pacifying scruples: it's clear,
As you say, there are some pleasures Heaven forbids us.
But we find many ways to do as Heaven bids us
And take our pleasures too. There is a science that teaches
How to expand the boundaries of what are material breaches
In matters of conscience, according to the circumstances.
We can rectify the evil inherent in our romances
Provided our motives are pure. I am happy to teach you
All these secrets, madam. Only let me reach you.
Satisfy my needs, and you will have no need to fear.
For I will take the sin upon myself, my dear. (Elmire coughs violently)
Your cough is very bad.

ELMIRE:
Yes, I'm in agony!

TARTUFFE:
Would you accept a bite of licorice from me?

ELMIRE:
Oh no, this is far too stubborn. All the licorice
In the world wouldn't help with this. I only wish
It could.

TARTUFFE:
It's very annoying.

ELMIRE:
More than words can say.

TARTUFFE:
Yes. In any case, there's a very easy way
To remove your scruples. With me you may be sure
Of secrecy. There's no harm unless a thing is known.
The public scandal is the thing that offends. My own
Opinion is: a sin in secret is not a sin.

ELMIRE: (after coughing again)
I see. It's clear my only course is to give in!
I must decide to give you all that you desire!
I can't give the satisfaction you require
Or convince your manly mind at any lower cost!
No doubt it's very hard…to decide…but all is lost!
I am going to go this far against my will!
But since I'm force to do it, I suppose I will!
Since words alone are not enough to make you believe,
Since more convincing proof is needed to relieve
Your doubts, I must conceive a way to satisfy
My man. If by giving in, I should horrify
Someone, so much the worse for the one who made me.
Surely the fault can't be laid at the feet of a lady.

TARTUFFE:
It needn't be, madam; and the thing itself is pure…

ELMIRE:
Go out in the hall and look around so we may be sure
My husband isn't hiding somewhere to spy on me.

TARTUFFE:
Why should we bother hiding from him? Between you and me,
I've got him hoodwinked. He could catch us in the act
And see it all and still he would deny the fact
And find only glory in our being together.

ELMIRE:
Even so I beg you to look around. Whether
You find him or no matters to me, so please, just leave!

Act IV, Scene vi
[Orgon, Elmire,]

ORGON: (crawling out from under the table)
That man's abominable. It's hard for me to believe.
I'm utterly stunned! It leaves me quite delirious!

ELMIRE:
Coming out so soon? You can't be serious.
Get back under the table. It isn't time just yet.
Wait till the end so you can see for yourself and get
Irrefutable proof. You mustn't condemn a man
On mere conjecture.

ORGON:
Hell itself belched up that man.
ELMIRE:
Mercy me! Now, don't be hasty! I want you to take
As long as you need to be convinced. You mustn't make
A wrong decision or, Heaven forfend, rush to judgment!

.

Act IV, Scene vii
[Tartuffe, Orgon, Elmire,]

TARTUFFE: (not seeing Orgon)
Everything conspires to give me my contentment.
Madame, I've searched the whole apartment thoroughly.
There's no one here; so now, my soul, felicity
Is yours.

ORGON:
Stop right there! I see duplicity
At last. I smell a powerful Mendacity!
I heard with my own ears your crass Audacity!
My holy man! You hoped to put one over on me;
But your soul has yielded to temptation. I see.
Now, you wanted to marry my daughter and have my wife
As well! I've been blind long enough. I thought this strife
Would end with you in charge. But now I've seen the light!
I've proof enough. So now it's time to do what's right.

ELMIRE:
It was quite out of character for me to play
This part, but you left me no choice.

TARTUFFE;
You mean to say…

ORGON:
Come, sir, I don't want to hear another word from you.
Go away and don't give us any more trouble. You're through!

TARTUFFE:
But my motives…

ORGON: (in a rage)
That sort of talk… I can't believe it!
Leave my house this instant.

TARTUFFE:
You're the one to leave it!
You forget who's the master here! This house is mine,
I'll have you know! And you will learn it's asinine
To use these brainless tricks to pick a quarrel with me.
I'll show you, you can't insult me with impunity!
For you know I have the wherewithal to stop your lies;
Avenge offended Heaven, and then I'll catechize
Those who talk to me of leaving of repentance!

Act IV, Scene viii
[Orgon, Elmire,]

ELMIRE:
What on earth was that all about? What did he mean?

ORGON:
This is nothing to laugh about. I should have seen…

ELMIRE:
What?

ORGON:
What he just said, made me see my mistake.
That foolish deed of gift has put so much at stake.

ELMIRE:
A deed of gift?

ORGON:
That cannot be rescinded. But
Something else troubles me even more!

ELMIRE:
What's that?

ORGON:
Tut, tut!
You shall know everything there is to know, but first
Let's see if certain papers are safe! Tartuffe be cursed!

Act V, Scene i
[Orgon, Cleante]

CLEANTE:
Where are you rushing off to?

ORGON:
How should I know?

CLEANTE:
I think we should start by seeing what we know,
And then, perhaps, we can decide what we should do.

ORGON:
I'm so upset those wretched papers were not there!
I don't know what to do. It drives me to despair.

CLEANTE:
Are those mysterious papers the key to this affair?

ORGON:
I fear so. Argas, a friend for whom I deeply care,
Is in a spot of trouble. He brought the papers to me
In secrecy and begged that I should keep them, you see.
I could not refuse his request; from what he said
Those wretched papers are worth his fortune and his head!

CLEANTE:
How could you trust them to someone else, knowing how
Important they are?

ORGON:
I was foolish; I see that now.
But at the time, I thought it was the thing to do.
I, of course, went straight to Tartuffe who said he knew
Just what to do, and I, of course, believed him. The louse
Said I should give him the papers in case my house
Was searched, for that way I could truthfully deny
I ever had them. And by using this evasion, I
Could swear I didn't have them, and keep my conscience clear.

CLEANTE:
Oh dear. Your situation's very bad. I fear
That trusting him with secrets and giving him that deed
Of gift were, frankly, thoughtless blunders. Now he can lead
You a merry chase, indeed, for he has all he needs
To keep you under his thumb. Though my heart bleeds
For you, my best advice is still that you must appease
And not imprudently provoke him. Be sure to say please…

ORGON:
What are you saying? Can a heart so false, a soul so base
Hide its ugly face behind a veil of pious grace?
I took him under my roof when he was poor and homeless!
I gave him everything! Well, give me no more pious men!
I shall loath them till the end of time! And until then,
I'll treat them all like devils!

CLEANTE:
There you go again!
Flying off the handle! You always do this when
You should use reason instead. You jump from one extreme
To the other chasing a shadow of truth and never seem
To see the error of your ways. You suddenly see
That you've been fooled by a hypocritical piety,
So to compensate, you plunge into a worse mistake!
Why, in the name of Reason, can't you ever make
A distinction between the worthless and the truly good?
Just because you've been hoodwinked by a scoundrel who stood
On a pedestal where you put him, because he seemed so pure,
Can you be sure the cure is that you must abjure
The company of holy men forever? No!
You mustn't conclude because of this, that there are no
Pious people in the world. Leave that sort of thinking
To those whose faith is small and cramped. Distinguishing
Between genuine virtue and its counterfeit;
Learning to discern between the saint and the hypocrite
Should be your constant study. And, be slow to bestow
Your highest regard, but try to keep the golden mean.
You should avoid supporting hypocrisy, when you can.
And do not persecute the truly pious man!
If you must take a position of severity
By all means try to err on the side of Charity.

Act V, Scene iv
[Damis, Orgon, Cleante]

DAMIS:
Father, how can you countenance this scoundrel's threats,
When he forgets the many gifts and benefits
He let you give him, and in his hateful arrogance,
Attacks you with those very gifts. Such malevolence!

ORGON:
It's all too true, my son. I'm tortured by the thought.

DAMIS:
I'll torture him! Just let me at him. Why I ought
To chop his ears off! We must punish his insolence.
He'll learn a mighty blow from me is the consequence
Of wronging you! To set things right, I'll bring him down!

CLEANTE:
Spoken like an adolescent. Please calm down!
Moderate your monumental tantrums, can't you?
We live in an enlightened time, you know it's true.
And our enlightened king eschews violence.

Act V, Scene iii
[Madame Pernelle, Orgon, Elmire, Cleante, Mariane, Damis, Dorine]

MADAME PERNELLE:
What's all this talk of mystery, I'm hearing? It makes no sense!

ORGON:
Mysterious things indeed. But I'm an eye witness!
This is what I get for all my deeds of kindness!
I take a wretched beggar in, and entertain
Him like a brother. I feed and clothe him taking pains
To show him every courtesy and give him love
and charity. I gave him my daughter! Heavens above,
I even gave him all my fortune and all the while
The rascal, the scoundrel, the wretched villain dared to smile
As he proceeded with his treasonous attempt
To seduce my wife! And now he dares treat me with contempt.
And threaten me with things I foolishly bestowed on him.
And now I find myself in the state that I found him.

DORINE:
Poor fellow.

MADAME PERNELLE:
Why, son! I cannot possibly believe
That he could have so evil a motive.

ORGON:
What!?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I believe
That worthy men are often the target of envious men.

ORGON:
Mother, what are you saying?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I am suspicious when
I see the strange behaviors under this roof.
Besides, as everyone knows, your people hate Tartuffe.

ORGON:
What has that to do with what I'm telling you now?

MADAME PERNELLE:
When you were little do you remember I told you how
"Virtue here below on earth is always hated,
One day, the envious may die, but envy's never sated."

ORGON:
Just what that has to do with this, I can't surmise.

MADAME PERNELLE:
I'm sure they've manufactured a hundred silly lies.

ORGON:
But, Mother, I told you I just saw all these things!

MADAME PERNELLE:
Slanderers have been known to fabricate some things.

ORGON:
Mother, you make me risk perdition! I tell you, I
Saw his disgraceful shamelessness with my own eyes!

MADAME PERNELLE:
Their tongues delight in spitting venom when your back
Is turned. There's nothing here on earth that they will not attack.

ORGON:
Nothing you're saying makes a particle of sense!
I saw it-listen to me-saw, with these eyes-the immense
Outrage-I saw! Do you know what saw means? Must I shout?
I'll shout it a hundred times so you'll know what I'm talking about!

MADAME PERNELLE:
My dear, you know appearances are oft deceiving;
And despite the old saw, seeing isn't always believing.

ORGON:
I shall go mad!

MADAME PERNELLE:
False suspicions can delude us!
Good is often misconstrued as evil.

ORGON:
That Judas
Tried to kiss my wife. Am I supposed to construe
That as Christian charity?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I wasn't through.
You ought to have just cause before making accusations;
Wait till you see a thing clearly before losing patience.

ORGON:
Beelzebub! How could I see a thing more clearly?
Should I have waited until-before my eyes-he nearly…
Mother, you almost made me say something I shouldn't.

MADAME PERNELLE:
It's known he's driven by the purest motives; I couldn't
Conceive he'd try to do the horrible things you've said.

ORGON:
If you weren't my mother, … trust me, I could have said…
I don't know what I would have said … I'm seeing red!
(he continues making semi-articulate strangling noises.)

DORINE:
It's just poetic justice that she doubts you, sir;
We were doubted by you and now you're doubted by her.
(the strangling noises perhaps intensify…)

[This is an intentional caesura in the name of rolling to curtain. Every time I read this little 21 line section over, I felt the play come to a screeching halt… it's just a reiteration of the dilemma with no real point that I could see, and I think Loyal's entrance is stronger if Orgon's having a fit… you can have the lines back if you really want them]

Act V, Scene iv
[Orgon, Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine, M. Loyal]

M. LOYAL:
Good afternoon, good woman, I should like to see
The master of the house.

DORINE:
The master isn't free
Just now. This is really an extremely bad time.

M. LOYAL:
I'll only take a minute of his time, and I'm
Sure my presence won't upset him. I'm even sure
My errand is likely to please him.

DORINE:
Your name?

M. LOYAL:
Just say Monsieur
Tartuffe sent me.

DORINE:
It's a very mannerly man
Who says Tartuffe has sent him and that his news can
Only please you.

CLEANTE:
Surely you must receive this fawning
Fellow to learn what Tartuffe is up to.

ORGON:
The truth is dawning!
He must have sent this fellow here to make things right
Between us! How should I treat him?

CLEANTE:
See that your temper's checked!
And if he offers a compromise, do not reject
It out of hand.

M. LOYAL:
Good day, good sir. May Heaven bestow
Plagues on your enemies and blessings on you wherever you go!

ORGON:
This mild beginning seems to confirm what I surmised:
A compromise is in the works.

M. LOYAL:
Dear sir, I've prized
Your family for many a year. I had the honor to serve
Your father, sir. May all the saints of heaven preserve
His memory.

ORGON:
I'm sorry to say to my great shame
I can't quite place your face. Please tell me: "what's your name?"

M. LOYAL:
My name's Monsieur Loyal and I'm from Normandy.
For forty years, I'm proud to say, in all modesty
I've been honored to hold the office of Bailiff of the Court.
And I have come today, I'm privileged to report,
To serve you with this writ…

ORGON:
I beg your pardon. What!?

M. LOYAL:
Now don't be angry, sir, I pray. It's really not
A problem, sir. It's nothing more than an order to leave
The house with you and yours, and I believe-
Yes, here it is-to move out all your furniture
And worldly goods and thus avoid their forfeiture
For cause. If you could vacate the house without delay
I would appreciate it more than I could say.

ORGON:
Am I to understand that you are putting me out
Of my house and home?

M. LOYAL:
Why, yes. Without a doubt
You know the house is now Monsieur Tartuffe's. It's clear-
As it says right here-that he's the lord and master here
By virtue of the contract here attached and signed
By both parties and legally sealed when you were of sound mind.

DAMIS:
I am astounded, sir! Your insolence knows no bounds!

M. LOYAL:
Young man, I have no business with you. You have no grounds
To interfere. This gentleman, your father, knows
A gentleman never questions the intricate quid pro quos
Of justice.

ORGON:
But, I…

M. LOYAL:
A million francs could never tempt
You to seek exemption from the law. You'd never attempt
To oppose me as I dutifully discharge my obligation.

DAMIS:
Legal robes won't save you from annihilation!

M. LOYAL:
Make your son be quiet or he must go away!
Though it pains me to say, if he keeps on, I may
Be obliged to inscribe your names in my journal.

DORINE:
Monsieur Loyal, it's clear, is anything but loyal.

M. LOYAL:
I have so much empathy for honest, upright
Folk like you that I decided the only polite
Thing to do was to serve these papers personally
So I could protect your feelings and secondarily
Prevent some other man less sensitive than I
From ordering matters indiscreetly.

ORGON:
Great Jove on high!
What could be worse than forcing people to leave their home?

M. LOYAL:
We'll give you time. It's not as if you'll have to roam
The streets! I'd never put you out with so little warning!
You are welcome to stay until tomorrow morning.
If you'll excuse me, I'll quietly fetch a squad
Of ten or so men-we'll sleep in the den-by the Grace of God
You won't even know we're here. So if you'll forgive me,
I must-for the sake of form, of course-ask that you please give me
Your keys before you go to bed. I shall take care
Not to disturb your rest and see that no one dare
Do anything unseemly. But tomorrow at dawn
You must see to it that all your belongings are gone.
My men will help you, of course-I've chosen only strong
Ones, and with them to help you it shouldn't take you long.
Now since I've given you every consideration
I trust that you'll give me your total cooperation.

ORGON:
I'd be happy to give whatever I have left
Just to have the pleasure of landing one good left
Right on your chin!

CLEANTE:
Be careful! Don't make matters worse.

DAMIS:
What insolent audacity! You have my curse!
You…you…smiling, damned villain! Oh! My hands itch
To pommel you and throw you in the nearest ditch!

DORINE:
I must confess, Monsieur Loyal, I wouldn't mind
Helping Monsieur Damis to kick your sorry behind.

M. LOYAL:
Girl! Enough! I won't take insults from your sort!
One more rude word from you and I'll haul you into Court!

CLEANTE:
Enough of words, all 'round. There's nothing more to say.
Give us your papers, sir, and kindly go away.

M. LOYAL:
Then fare you well. Heaven keep you from disaster!

ORGON:
May Heaven rain down plagues on you and your master!

Act v, Scene iv
[Orgon, Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine]

ORGON:
Well, dear mother, now will you admit I'm right?
These papers might change your opinion of Tartuffe a mite;
Or can't you see his treacherous villainy even now?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I don't know what to think! I can't imagine how
This could happen.

DORINE:
Sir, you're wrong to indict Tartuffe.
This clearly shows his good intentions. Here's the proof:
We are commanded to love our neighbor. Isn't that so?
And money is the root of all evil, don't you know?
The man is merely living up to his reputation
By appropriating this monstrous obstruction to your salvation.

ORGON:
Hold your tongue before I'm forced to hold it for you!

CLEANTE:
Come, let's see what weary journeys lie before you.

ELMIRE:
Go expose that ingrate's many malefactions.
Such behavior surely negates any actions,
Legal or otherwise, he has taken against you, dear.
And all the world will see his hypocrisy, never fear!

Act v, Scene vi
[Orgon, Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine, Valere]

VALERE:
Dear sir, I regret to tell you I have bad news!
A clear and present danger is near! There's no time to lose!
A trusted friend of mine who knows of my concern
For you and yours was, only now, able to learn
A secret of state he's dared to share with me
That makes it clear you have no choice except to flee!
That odious scoundrel who imposed on you so long
Managed to see the Prince and then proceeded to wrong
You yet again with slanders. And to support his claim
Produced a strong-box owned by a criminal whose name
He tried to tie to yours by saying that you hid
This box and Heaven knows what else he said you did.
But on the strength of the evidence of that chest,
The scoundrel comes with a warrant for your arrest!

CLEANTE:
The blackguard chooses to seize with force of arms what you
So freely gave him.

ORGON:
Man is a wicked beast, it's true!

VALERE:
The least delay could spell disaster, sir. I'm sure.
My carriage is ready at the door awaiting your
Arrival. Now, here are a thousand louis to take
With you. Hurry, sir, we must be swift as the lightning
That is about to strike. This is a very frightening
Time, but I shall lead you to a place where you'll be
Safe and stay with you until I know you're free
From danger.

ORGON:
My boy, I owe you more than I can say.
But proper thanks will have to wait for another day.
I pray that Heaven one day will allow me to
Repay your kindness. And so, farewell to all of you…

CLEANTE:
Quickly, we'll take care of everything; don't worry…

Act v, Scene vii
[Orgon, Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine, Valere, Tartuffe, Officer]

TARTUFFE:
Where do you think you're going, sir? Just what's your hurry?
You don't have far to go to find a place to rest
Your head. By order of the Prince, you're under arrest!

ORGON:
Traitor! You saved your worst for last! This infamy
Crowns your nefarious past by ruining me!

TARTUFFE:
I can rise above your petty insults and abuse,
For Heaven has taught me to endure all things.

CLEANTE:
(Aside) How obtuse!
(To Tartuffe) Your moderation would do credit to a Buddhist.

DAMIS:
His invocation of Heaven is the rudest, crudest…

TARTUFFE:
Your ranting cannot touch me for my every thought
Is to do my duty.

MARIANE:
And I suppose that Heaven taught
You there is honor and glory in this act.

TARTUFFE:
This act is honorable from the simple fact
That it came from the higher power that sent me.

ORGON:
Ingrate! Do you forget my generosity
That rescued you from poverty and misery?

TARTUFFE:
I've not forgot the help you gave me along the way.
But I owe my duty to my Prince and so I pay
My first allegiance to him. The sacred claim of his
Higher power must stifle the gratitude that is
Still in my heart for you. And if I should sacrifice
My friend, my wife, my kin and myself, it would suffice.

ELMIRE:
The hypocrite!

DORINE:
I fear that man has learned to hide
Behind whatever we most revere.

CLEANTE:
You take great pride
In your motivation. But if it's as pure as you say,
Why should it wait to display itself until the day
He caught you trying to seduce his wife? How can it be
You never thought to inform against him until he
Was forced to drive you from his house for his honor's sake?
And if all the while you thought he was guilty, how could you take
A gift from him, which, I will point out, was his whole estate!

TARTUFFE:
Deliver me from this harangue. It's getting late.
Good sir, be good enough to execute your commission.

OFFICER:
Yes. I've waited too long to carry out my mission.
And I must say, it's fitting you're the one who gave
The order. Come along, sir, now with me. You'll save
Us all a lot of trouble if you come quietly
Off to prison where you belong.

TARTUFFE:
Are you addressing me?!

OFFICER:
Yes, sir.

TARTUFFE:
Me, sir?

OFFICER:
You, sir.

TARTUFFE:
Why, sir?

OFFICER:
You, sir,
Don't deserve an explanation. (To Orgon) You, sir,
Do. So "temper your amazement with an attent ear." (He takes center stage)
Our dear Prince is not a friend to men who appear
To be what they are not. His eyes can read the hearts
Of men and see through a hypocrite's deceitful arts.
His is the gift of discernment, which sees instinctively
What's true or false. His is the gift perceptively
To apply Reason where it's needed and to bring
Balance to every dispute. Piety makes his heart sing
When it's the true variety; but when it's fake
It fills his heart with loathing. This man could never take
Him in; He's seen through far more subtle masks than his;
One look was all our Prince required to say, "This is
A man who hides a base corruption in his heart."
By accusing you, the villain exposed his true essence,
And Heaven's justice joined with our noble Prince's prescience
Revealed the scoundrel standing before him had many other
Alias names he used to hide so many other
Horrid crimes a complete list of which would fill
A weighty tome indeed. Our king waited only till
He knew this villain's true identity and then
He sent me here so I could see the moment when
This blackguard would show his true colors in this affair.
Seeing that, I am empowered to make a fair
And just outcome for you. I therefore hereby compel
You to return those papers you falsely claim fell
Into your hands by some heavenly intervention.
And for that secret personal offence revealed
Therein, our king says you are pardoned and annealed.
Moreover, our gracious sovereign bade me mention
That the deed of gift you signed transferring your estates
To this unworthy man is null and void. He hates
Deceit and treachery and proves it by this action.
Indeed, he says he knows no greater satisfaction
Than to reward you for your loyalty to his crown
In the recent troubles by your deeds of great renown.

DORINE:
Heaven be praised!

MADAME PERNELLE:
Finally! I can breathe again!

ELMIRE:
Oh, happy day!

MARIANE:
I can't remember when I've been
So happy!

ORGON:
There, traitor, now you're…

Act v, Scene viii
[Orgon, Madame Pernelle, Flipotte, Elmire, Mariane, Cleante, Damis, Dorine, Valere]

CLEANTE:
Brother, wait! And don't
Descend to the level of that hateful brute. It won't
Avail you anything. Leave the poor wretch to his fate,
And let him learn remorse. Teach him to turn his hate
To virtue and reform his evil ways and thus
Win the pardon of our merciful Prince. For us,
We must get down straightway on our knees
And offer prayers of thanks for blessings such as these!

ORGON:
Well said! We'll go and kneel down at our Prince's feet,
And thank him for his merciful goodness, as is meet.
And then, that duty done, with all due ceremony,
We shall turn our efforts toward joyful matrimony.
Noble Valere, your reward shall be the wedded bliss
You so desire. So end this with a happy kiss!

Fine