Prologue: From the darkness at the beginning of the play there comes a rumbling sound that grows louder and turns into the sounds of laughter and shouting, which become Oooohs and Ahhhhs! [MUSIC: OVERTURE] The lights come up to reveal a stage full of acrobats, jugglers, perhaps a fire-eater, wrestlers posing and throwing each other about and rope dancers spinning dizzily overhead. Publius Terentius Afer, an imposing, if somewhat priggish black gentleman takes center stage looking on the melee with disapproval. He claps his hands with supreme self-confidence. Nothing happens. He claps them again. Again nothing happens. At last, in frustration, he mounts something tall and claps and whistles noisily. Every one stops in their tracks, including the rope dancers. The wrestlers let down the rope dancers (all but one) and Terence begins his harangue:

TERENCE: Come down from there! Put some clothes on for pity's sake! Have you no shame? (He addresses the audience) Have you no taste? I saw you ogling at that shapely young thing. Yes, you, sir. And you, I saw that you couldn't take your eyes off that wrestler. For shame! You have come to the theatre! Not the circus! You must look to higher things. (We hear someone mumble, "I'd like to hire her." Terence sees the lone rope dancer still on a shoulder) Not her! Higher things. I am Publius Terentius Afer, the famous author. I bring you art! But don't let that frighten you: I bring you a tale of higher things, and one or two lower things: of love and beauty, honor and duty, purposes mistook, loyalty forsook, courage rewarded and cleverness thwarted. In short, I bring you life! Life in these three households. (To the actors etc.,) Clear out, or help me tell the story. (The company members move to their places or exit the stage as Terence moves to the UR door adlibbing as necessary. Then he continues, introducing each character in turn:) Here resides the widow of a prominent citizen of this town, Mandragola by name. (To someone he has chided in the audience) To those who seek mere corporeal beauty, Mandragola has a beautiful daughter called Pulcheria. (mis-pronounced Pull-cherry-uh) You won't see Pulcheria for a while as she is not back from her summer vacation, but, fear not, you shall see her in all her glory in good time. (He moves to the SL house) Pulcheria was married to the son of tighfisted old Senex Antiquus, here, when she and the boy were barely old enough to stand. The marriage was never consummated. Even though Romulus Clulus, (pronounced Rome- yew-lus Clueless) the boy, was what you might call a handful: He'd broken too many vases and windows so his mother, the late Mrs. Antiquus, thought it would be cheaper to trundle him off to boarding school. But that would have cost a pretty sesterce or two. And so Senex Antiquus dedicated the boy to Mars and sent him away to a government military school to get some discipline beaten into him. As good fortune would have it, he's coming home this very day to take up the marriage with Pulcheria where it left off so to speak and to do his duty as a husband. They are both adults now, or at least the size of adults, so the marriage can at last become truly official. (To another audience member) Explain this part to him, will you? (Gaius comes out of the center door a tad drained and hung over. Senex guides him into the door SL as Terence continues.) This is Senex's other son, Gaius Erectus. He stayed home while his little brother went off to fight the enemies of the Republic and as you can see, he has dedicated himself to the fervent worship of Bacchus, god of the Grape. And truth to tell, to Venus as well. Senex has only just this past week engaged Gaius to marry Causa Angina, a young, wealthy, if somewhat homely maiden with the overwhelming advantage of a very beautiful dowry. But in spite of this engagement, or perhaps because of it, Gaius has not forsworn his rather impressively frequent visits to Thais. (Pronounced "thigh-ees") [MUSIC: THAIS' THEME] (She emerges and acknowledges her role) She is as you can see a most beautiful woman - and doubtless the most successful "grand hor-izontal" in our fair city. I promised you beauty. Thais, hearing the news of his engagement cut Gaius off and shut him out. (There is a reverent pause as Thais withdraws.) Gaius, his honor wounded; his pride pierced, his manhood humiliated, has vowed never to visit Thais again. [MUSIC: TGW THEME] (The Three Gabby Whores come down in front of the Center door as they're introduced and Gaius storms back into Senex's house.) . So much for beauty. These are some of Thais' employees: Lotta Bella, Pragmata Meretrix, and Doris. Honest working girls who labor -- let me rephrase that -- who - er -- toil in this temple of Venus. Now for some promised truth:

[Act I, Scene I begins here...]

ROMULUS: Excuse me, slave. Have you seen…?

GARRULUS: No time to talk to strangers, sir. I'm on an urgent mission. Fareweeeellll. (And he's gone.)

ROMULUS: But I… Oh well. Where's that worthless slave of mine? I send him to do one simple thing … I suppose that old scoundrel has already gone in to snitch on me to my father. He's so loyal! Loyalty is a wonderful thing. But loyalty to my father over me … What am I going to tell my father? "Father, I can't consummate my marriage to Pulcheria: I'm in love with another." No. I can't tell the truth. The truth will only get me into trouble. How about: "Father, you were young once," Much better. "Father,you were young once and I can only imagine (Stops; shudders) Ooo. I don't want to imagine … (Nervus snores) What's this? Asleep on the job, are you? We'll see about that. Get up you lazy loafer loyal lay-about, lunatic etc… (Beats Nervus chasing him around the square a blow landing with each word. Nervus hoots in pain. Ad libitum. The din draws Mandragola and Senex from their houses.)

MANDRAGOLA: (Screams) Gentlemen! Stop! Brawling in the street! Help! (Arugula returns bearing eggs) Arugula! Watch out! Save the eggs! (Mandragola ducks behind her door as the hapless Arugula surveys the situation and hesitates long enough for Romulus to deliver him a blow which sends the eggs flying and during this, as long as possible, Arugula juggles the eggs which crash down in a sloppy mess at the conclusion of the ensuing action.)

SENEX: (Overlapping Mandragola) Here now! What's all this? We can't have this. You'll break something! Those cost money, you know. Etc. Stop them! (Dispatches two strapping, if threadbare, young slaves of his household to break up the melee; they become entangled in the mess; Romulus' superior pugilistic skills at last subdue them all into a subservient heap center stage; sees Arugula juggling and gives him a look; the eggs flop to the floor and Arugula collapses as well) Very impressive, young stranger.

ROMULUS: Father! Don't you recognize me? It's Romulus Clulus home from the wars.

SENEX: Romulus, my boy! (Embraces all around) And who's this you were beating just now?

NERVUS: It's me, master, Nervus Afflictus, ever your obedient…

SENEX: For shame! Making your young master create such a disturbance. (Nervus presents his backside; Senex beats him; Nervus executes a cunning pratfall)

NERVUS: Thank you, master.

SENEX: Silence! Not another word out of you! (To the other slaves at the bottom of the heap) And you! (They "assume the position side by side, are beaten and execute the same pratfall, in tandem)

SLAVES: (Together) Thank you, master.

MANDRAGOLA: Arugula, get up from there! Now you have to go get more eggs! (He starts off) Where do you think you're going? Clean that up! (She stands over Arugula supervising the clean-up during the following)

NERVUS: Madam! (Shushes himself, and trying to save the day, points furiously and says sotto voce to Romulus) It's …

ROMULUS: What?

NERVUS: It's your …

ROMULUS: My what?

NERVUS: Your (mimes ala charades a babe in arms, bosom, points to self, etc.)

ROMULUS: Baby. Infant. Bosom. Not bosom. You? Boob. Not boob. Mother? Mother. That's not my mother. (Nervus slugs his arm; Romulus returns the blow knocking Nervus flat. He recovers and mimes "in") What's that? (Nervus exaggerates "in") Shame on you, there's a lady present. (Nervus nods furiously) A lady! My mother-in-law? (Nervus nods happily) I can't see her right now. Do something!

SENEX: (Who has gone to her, not helping) Madam, may I present my son, your son-in-law, returned form the wars.

MANDRAGOLA: Romulus?

SENEX: Romulus! (Romulus approaches as: )

MANDRAGOLA: (Aside) I can't see him without my daughter!

SENEX: Come say hello to your mother-in-law. (Both Romulus and Mandragola freeze at the thought of their impending social intercourse and can only wave weakly at one another.) Come now, boy, don't be shy. Greet your mother-in-law.

ROMULUS: Madam. (He goes slowly to her. She offers him one of her cookies.) Thank you, madam. (He takes it and tries to bite it. Gives it to Nervus to finish. Nervus, unsuspecting, bites down, breaking his teeth on it)

SENEX: Where's Pulcheria? I'm sure my son will want to do his duty as soon as possible, eh son?

ROMULUS: Well, …

MANDRAGOLA: (Blurts out the truth) Pulcheria's not at home.

ROMULUS: Not at home? What a shame. (He tears off into his father's house) Well, goodbye. It was nice to see you again.

SENEX: What's got into the boy? (Nervus shrugs and starts a charade of "the boy is nervous about his wedding") But the girl's not at home, you say? Where is she?

MANDRAGOLA: (Offers a cookie, which he takes) Cookie, Senex? Oh, dear. The last one. I must go bake some more. Goodbye, Senex. (She too tears off. Senex shrugs, tries the cookie, and gives it to Nervus who again bites dutifully down on the adamantine morsel.)

SENEX: What's got into everybody? (Nervus mimes cuckoo; Senex replies sternly) Come with me. I want a word with you.

NERVUS: (Spitting his "teeth" as he goes) Coming master. (He exits as Gluteus enters from the house of Thais)

GLUTEUS: A Eunuch! Where am I supposed to get a eunuch? (He takes out a large knife and ponders it for a moment in glee. Then a horrible thought occurs to him) I'd better find one and in a hurry or Tyrannus Soloflex will make me the … gift.