MADAME PERNELLE:
Come! Come, Flipotte! It's time that you and I were gone!

[After a pause that brings MADAME PERNELLE to a stop]

ELMIRE::
But Mother-in-law, must you go so soon?

MADAME PERNELLE:
Don't fawn,
My dear! For I see through such hollow courtesy!

ELMIRE::
Hollow, madame? No! I hope that all may see
These courtesies are all--I mean, no more
Than you deserve.

[She curtsies with her fingers crossed behind her back]

Allow me to show you to the door.
Later. [Attempting a recovery] Why are you in such a hurry to go?

MADAME PERNELLE:
I can't stand the chaos here, if you want to know.
No one here will take the trouble to try to please me.
That I leave this house this way, alas, aggrieves me.
I'd be better off depending on the kindness
Of strangers than to ask for help from you mindless
Brutes! I'm given no respect! And when I tell you
What to do, the opposite is what you always do!
Why, everybody here has got a say as if
They mattered! Egad! It's perfect pandemonium!

DORINE:
If…

MADAME PERNELLE:
You, girl, a servant, are not only too audacious, but
Impertinent, rude, indecorous, and loquacious!

DAMIS:
But!

MADAME PERNELLE:
And you, boy are a fool! I truly can't see how
You are my grandson! I've said before, and I'll say now
What I've told my son, your father, a hundred times:
That you will have a future filled with petty crimes,
And give your father naught but torment and plague.

MARIANNE:
I think…

MADAME PERNELLE:
The little sister thinks she thinks!--all pretty and pink-
The very picture of innocence and naïve charm!
But you don't fool me: I view your actions with alarm,
For as the saying goes, "Still waters run deep."

ELMIRE:
But, mother--…

MADAME PERNELLE:
Daughter-in-law, I must say, one way and another,
Your behavior is the worst example any
Child could have. Their dear, dead mother did so many
Things far better than you. You spend too much
And it offends me to see you strut around in such
Extravagant dresses. If you truly want to please
Only your husband, you have no need for all these
Costly fineries.

CLEANTE:
Madam, if you would permit me…

MADAME PERNELLE:
As her brother, sir, I love and respect you freely,
But if I were my son, her husband, I would say
That it would make me happy if you'd go away!
You preach a way of life that decent people ought
To shun! If that sounds cruel and blunt, there's naught
That I can do: it's just my way. I can't mince words
When virtue's at stake.

DAMIS:
Oh yes, Monsieur Tartuffe, I've heard's…

MADAME PERNELLE:
He is a holy man who should be listened to
I won't have him be attacked by idiots like you!

DAMIS:
Mon Dieu! Am I supposed to let this grinning fraud
Play the tyrant in my father's house? No! By God!
Are we to abdicate all laughter, all amusement
To await the dictates of that sycophant's consent?

DORINE:
According to him, everything we do is a crime.
He sees the way to heaven as an uphill climb!

MADAME PERNELLE:
He seeks to show us all that steep and thorny path;
Oh yes, and every crime he sees deserves his wrath!
My son should catechize you all to love Tartuffe
As he does!

DAMIS:
No, madame! It would take the strongest proof
To make me change my mind about that man. He must
Have more than just my father's word to earn my trust!
If that sounds blunt, it's just my way. I cannot lie.
If he were here, I'd be glad to punch him in the eye!
Tartuffe makes me so mad! I'm nearly blind with rage.
But I foresee a time when he and I'll engage
In open warfare.

DORINE:
It is a scandal--a real disgrace--
To see this greedy charlatan usurp the place
Of honor in this house. Gad! When he came, he had
Neither shoes nor money. To say his clothes were bad
Would be dishonest flattery. And now this beggar acts
As though he were the king! Those are the unvarnished facts.

MADAME PERNELLE:
I know this: You all would be better off if he
Were in charge and you were governed by his piety.

DORINE:
I do believe you truly think the man's a saint.
But I say he is just a hypocrite!

[There is a stunned moment of silence. At last Madame Pernelle plays her trump:]

MADAME PERNELLE:
Flipotte! I faint!
You hear her vicious tongue!

[There is a flurry of activity to prevent the toppling of the tower]

DORINE:
I still don't trust the man.
And his man Laurent's just as bad and maybe worse.
When he's around, you'd better keep an eye on your purse.

[Everyone grumbles in agreement]

MADAME PERNELLE:
While I cannot vouch for any servant's morality-
I guarantee Tartuffe's theologicality. [a general groan]
I'm well aware that every one of you uncouth
Ones despise this man who tells you all the truth.
But only one thing moves this good and holy man's ire:
Sin! And the only things to which he does aspire
Are Heaven's riches.

DORINE:
That may be, but can you tell
Me what harm there is in answ'ring the doorbell?
Anybody who comes to pay a social call
Is greeted not with welcome. No, he has the gall
To send our guests away. And if you want to know
What I think: that man is jealous of my mistress.

MADAME PERNELLE:
No!
Be careful what you say, my girl. He's not alone,
You know. It's clear that most of your neighbors don't condone
The constant parade of carriages coming to your door
Delivering crowds of callers day and night. What's more,
Their noisy servants loll about, gabbling like geese,
Disturbing the peace. Respectable households should surcease
From such dubious entertaining. Innocent or not,
Why take the risk of making decent people talk?

CLEANTE:
What!?
Madame, do you truly think that gossips can stop?
Should we play the milksop in fear of every fop
Whose tongue will wag? Gossips seem to have a need
To whisper the worst they hear from ear to ear. Indeed,
You couldn't devise a defense against them if you tried.
To me, it's best to let your conscience be your guide,
And just ignore what gossipmongers have to say.
For sure as hounds will bay at the moon, asses will bray!

DORINE:
Madame, I think I know which neighbors you're talking about:
Daphne and her chubby little husband, I've no doubt.
Those two, who have the most to hide, are quickest to find
Fault. Yes, they're the ones who always get behind
The latest rumor which they delight to repeat and twist
Into scandalous shapes. An innocent look between friends is grist
For their fanciful mill. They think they can thereby justify
Their own behavior. Or at very least imply
That they are not the greatest sinners on the street.

MADAME PERNELLE:
You may have reason to criticize Daphne. However, sweet
Orante is above reproach. She's constantly at prayer!
And I am told by very reliable sources that they're
More than confident she condemns the life you lead.

DORINE:
No doubt, they're right, for "sweet Orante" could have no need
Of social intercourse. But. Piety's not the reason.
Years have given her purity. Now that she's past her season,
She wants to share the fruit of her wisdom. But no longer a plum
For the plucking, she's become an old prune who's glum
Because she sees her beauty wilting; but when she had,
Many years ago, Gentleman Callers by the score, Egad,
She never missed a chance to dance the night away.
When the beaux were plentiful, she knew how to be gay!
Now she's only too happy to leave a world that's leaving
Her behind. In fact, it's just her way of deceiving
The world. When for all her winks and coy attitude
She finds herself alone, it's then she plays the prude,
Since that's the only role left to her. It's her calling,
No, her vocation, to point out everybody's "appalling"
Flaws and vices. But the main reason she's so zealous
Isn't that she's pious. No, she's plainly jealous
Of anyone who still knows how to laugh.

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